


Gamble (Remastered)

by arimi_skywalker



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Boys In Love, Childhood Friends, Drama & Romance, First Love, Friendship/Love, Lies, M/M, Memory Loss, Romantic Fluff, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 06:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12788577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arimi_skywalker/pseuds/arimi_skywalker
Summary: Sho visits his two friends in hospital...





	1. Loss

**Author's Note:**

> **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

**SHO**

_November 6th, 2010_

_20:31H_

  


That evening, I finished my work a little late.

  
I got into my car and drove as fast as the traffic flow and laws allowed me to. I turned around a couple of streets, waited for some traffic lights to change to green, and drove into the parking lot to park my car in my usual space. After three weeks visiting that place, I knew it like the back of my hand.

  
I turned the engine off, released the seatbelt, and got out of my car, locking it with the remote control as I already walked to the main hospital entrance. The automatic doors opened right away the moment I got close to them, I greeted the two administrative ladies who warmly smiled at me every evening, and quickly walked down the corridors, trying to prevent the plastic bag hanging on my right hand to make any noise. When I reached the seventh floor, I walked through the corridor on my right and didn't slow down my pace until I was close to the door I'd been looking for. I slowly turned the doorknob, kind of afraid of disturbing someone inside the room if I turned it too fast, being so quiet that no one in the room noticed I was there.

  
"... so, you can go home tomorrow," a man said cheerfully.

  
"Thank you, Dr. Nakatsu."

  
I immediately closed the door, just as quietly as when I opened it. I didn't mean to listen to that conversation between doctor and patient, and fortunately, I didn't hear anything I shouldn't hear, but I felt as if I had violated my friend's privacy. My cheeks burned as I walked away from the door and waited for the doctor to leave the room.

  
When Dr. Nakatsu, a man in his forties, half gray-haired and with an impressive height, opened the door and saw me there, he stopped and bowed at me. He was as polite and pleasant as handsome. Besides, he was a good doctor who cared about visiting his patients every single day.

  
"Sakurai-san," he greeted me with his usual warm voice.

  
"Good evening, Dr. Nakatsu," I bowed back.

  
"You came just on time," he sounded genuinely glad. "Jun finished his dinner and is waiting for you."

  
"I finished work a little late today."

  
I blushed as if he was the one waiting for me. Dr. Nakatsu smiled.

  
"Your friend is a strong guy," he said, closing the door behind him and lowering down his voice as he walked closer to me. "I'm still surprised he was practically uninjured after such a fatal accident."

  
I frowned and pursed my lips in an unconscious gesture.

  
"It's almost a miracle, yeah," I replied, almost in a whisper.

  
"Don't worry," the doctor placed his hand on my shoulder, trying to cheer me up, and offered me his best smile. White and gleaming. "He's going to be fine. His ribs joined back without any problem and his leg is progressing favorably. He'll need to keep the bandage for a few more days and I can't take his cast off for two or three weeks, but at least it doesn't reach his groin anymore. This afternoon, I changed it to a new one that only reaches his knee."

  
My eyes widened in surprise.

  
"Well!" I exclaimed, keeping my tone low. "I didn't know anything about this. I was here yesterday, but Jun didn't mention it."

  
"The guy is stubborn," Dr. Nakatsu chuckled. "I had a hard time persuading him to let me change his cast and he didn't look thrilled when I told him he can go home tomorrow. He insists on saying he isn't recovered yet and needs to stay in hospital for a few more days," the doctor shook his head, looking saddened. "It's the first time I meet someone who wants to stay here longer than they need."

  
"Well, you know he wasn't alone in that car when he had the accident..."

  
"I know," Dr. Nakatsu's face grew even sadder. "I know he doesn't want to leave as long as the other guy is still here, but it's not good for him to hold out hope. Jun is physically progressing fine, but his emotional state is unstable. The last thing he needs now is not accepting that guy... probably... won't live."

  
My heart stopped in my chest.

  
I knew how things were. For the last three weeks, I always knew about the diagnoses and how things progressed for the two of them. I knew there was no hope. I knew only Jun would live and, still, it hurt so much. My heart sank. My eyes burned. I wanted to cry. Scream. Fall on my knees and scream until losing my voice. But I couldn't do it.

  
I had to pretend I was strong.

  
"I'll talk to him," I said, looking down to hide the tears that blurred my eyes and fought to roll down my cheeks. "Thank you, doctor," I bit my lower lip, gulped and looked at him. "You've been very kind all this time. Jun and I will always be grateful to you."

  
"It's my job," he placed his hand on my shoulder again, slightly squeezing it this time. "Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid when the time comes. I'll be here if you need me. I know a couple of good psychologists who can help him."

  
I nodded and used all my strength to show him a weak smile.

  
"Thank you. You're very nice."

  
Dr. Nakatsu smiled for the last time, pursing his lips. His eyes told me the situation made him sad. He was a good man and had grown fond of Jun in those three weeks. He didn't want to see him suffer. If circumstances were different, I would've been more grateful, but at the moment I could only think that, when I least expected it, I would lose the most important person in my life.

  
Unlike Jun, he wouldn't survive.

  
When the doctor disappeared through the corridor, I walked closer to the room and turned the knob to enter this time. The day before, Jun's leg was hanging from a pulley and a cast covered it to his groin. Now, the pulley was gone and the cast covered his leg to his knee, just like Dr. Nakatsu said. The moment he heard the door and the sound of my steps, Jun turned to me.

  
"Hey, Sho," he smiled, though there was a sad feeling in his eyes. "You came."

  
" _Yo_ ," I greeted him with a smile. "Sorry I'm late. Things got busy in the office," I said, raising the bag I carried in my hand as I took the contents out of it to show him. "I brought some dessert."

  
It wasn't an expensive or elaborated dessert. It was just his favorite _konbini_ ice cream.

  
"Thank you," he smiled, a little wider this time. "You didn't have to bother. I know you're busy and you already do enough coming here every day."

  
"You know it's not a problem."

  
I took the chair next to his bed and sat down, opening my ice cream.

  
"How do you feel?" I asked, looking at his leg. "I see there's some progress."

  
Jun let out a long sigh.

  
"Yeah, well, you see."

  
"I met Dr. Nakatsu at the door and he told me you'll be discharged tomorrow."

  
My friend nodded in silence, biting his ice cream.

  
"Why didn't you tell me?" I placed the wrappers of the ice creams inside the bag as if the conversation wasn't that important to me.

  
I didn't try to make any reproach.

  
Jun sighed again. He chewed his ice cream, taking his time, and looked at me.

  
"Would it change anything?"

  
"Well, I don't know," I shrugged. "I would've liked to celebrate with you."

  
"There's nothing to celebrate, Sho."

  
"What are you saying? You're alive and you're recovering well. Dr. Nakatsu said he'll take your bandage off in a few days and the cast in a couple of weeks. You'll leave the hospital tomorrow and soon you'll be back to your life. There's a lot to celebrate!"

  
I moved the hand holding my ice cream as I talked, cheerfully gesticulating in order to try to convey some positivity to Jun, but it didn't look like it worked. My friend was frowning and giving me a blank stare. The ice cream in his hand had started melting.

  
"You don't understand it," he said, his voice broken. "I'll leave this place tomorrow and he..."

  
Jun didn't finish the sentence. He bit his lower lip.

  
I was the one sighing this time around.

  
"Jun, you already know that-"

  
"How is he?" he cut me off. "Did you visit him today?"

  
I felt a sharp pain in my chest.

  
I looked down.

  
"Did you visit him?" he repeated, turning to me.

  
I nodded.

  
"I visit him every day," I replied almost in a whisper. "Everything is still the same. There are... no changes..."

  
I couldn't breathe. I felt suffocated.

  
Jun sighed once again.

  
"Go with him," he demanded in a soft voice. "I don't want him to be alone when... when he..."

  
My friend stifled a whine of pain. I clenched my fists so tight that I pounded my nails into the palms of my hands.

  
I separated my lips, trying to breathe. Trying to get my self-control back. I couldn't cry. Not in front of Jun. I had to be strong, bear with the pain and keep the two of us standing on our feet. If I fell, Jun would fall with me. He was torn. I was torn as well, but I didn't have the right to be. I wasn't the one driving that car. I wasn't the one who was with him for almost nine years. I wasn't the man who had a car accident and was about to lose his partner.

  
I was just a friend.

  
The third wheel.

  
The odd man out.

  
I gulped, getting rid of the lump in my throat, and stood up. I threw my ice cream into the plastic bag where I had placed the wrappers and looked at Jun. Two tears ran down his cheeks as he stared at the window. He didn't look at me. He didn't want to look at me.

  
"I'll come back tomorrow to help you," my voice sounded hoarse.

  
Jun didn't say anything, neither he moved at all.

  
"I'm sorry," I whispered.

  
I didn't even know why I was apologizing or what I was feeling. I just felt so bad seeing him lying there, silently crying, refusing to look at me, that I felt I had to apologize. Thereafter, I turned around and left the room so quickly that I forgot to take the plastic bag with the unfinished ice cream with me.

  
I walked fast through the corridor, striding. Tears were flowing down my cheeks so heavily that they blurred my eyes and didn't allow me to see. I'm thankful I didn't bump into anyone. I'm thankful no one saw me in that elevator, crouching in a corner like a little kid, waiting to reach the 18th floor. I couldn't handle it anymore. My chest hurt from so much crying. I was breathing heavily. I hiccupped. My eyes burned. I wanted to stay there. I didn't want anyone to ever find me again. I'm thankful that hearing the beep of the elevator, indicating I had reached the floor where he was, brought me back to my senses.

  
I stood up, wiped off my tears and walked through the corridor to his room. When my hand reached the cold knob, I hesitated. I thought I couldn't bear seeing him in that state again. I thought I would break down, that I would die right there with him. I stared at my fingers, placed on the grey metal. I pursed my lips and gathered the strength I didn't have anymore to enter that room.

  
There he was.

  
The love of my life.

  
The reason for my existence.

  
Laying face up. Immobile. Just like I left him that morning when I went to work straight from the hospital. Just like I'd been leaving him every morning for three weeks now. For three damn weeks now.

  
My friend.

  
My confidant.

  
My other half.

  
My first and only love.

  
I felt helpless seeing him in that bed, tubes coming out from every part of his body, covered to his chin by cold white bedsheets. An IV came out of his arm, feeding him. Feeding his body. And, still, he was dying.

  
I walked unsteadily to him and held his hand in mine. I looked down at his beautiful face, once of a golden shade, now as white as the walls of that cold room. I brushed some stray bangs off his forehead.

  
He was dying.

  
My Satoshi was dying.


	2. Childhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**SHO**

_November 6th, 2010_

_21:17H_

 

I gently stroked his face with my fingertips.

  
"Satoshi," I said in a broken voice, blinking to keep the tears from running down my cheeks again. "I was a little late today. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner by your side," I bit my lower lip. "I've been with Jun. He's doing well, you know, he's recovering. He can go home tomorrow. Isn't that good news?"

  
Satoshi did not respond.

  
Of course, he didn't respond.

  
What did I expect? That he opened his eyes and smiled at me? That he looked at me once again with those warm eyes, as if we were just seeing each other after a while? It may sound stupid, but yes, deep down in my heart that was what I expected. That was what I longed for so hard that I didn't allow myself to let that little hope die. That little flame in the dark.

  
Dr. Nakatsu told me I had to help Jun to stop clinging to something that wasn't possible. But, how could I help him when I couldn't stop having faith myself? In spite of seeing Satoshi in that situation every day, even though the doctors said it was a matter of time, maybe hours, that his body stopped living, even though I repeated myself every second that he was dying, there was a part of me that didn't want to believe it. That's why I slept every night in the hospital, in that hard, uncomfortable chair, instead of going home and sleeping in my bed. That's why I spent every minute I could in that room, even when I was devastated to see him in that state.

  
If he opened his eyes, I wanted to be by his side.

  
I sighed and let go of his hand just a few seconds to reach that chair I had already made mine. As soon as I sat down, I quickly reached for his hand again, as if he were going to run away if I let go of him for too long, I gently caressed it and then I kissed it very slowly, closing my eyes, feeling his skin against my lips. In spite of everything, his touch was still warm.

  
"I can't believe we're here," I whispered, shaking my head. "After all this time, I can't believe you're going to leave without saying goodbye."

  
I kept silent and bit my lip, fighting against my own tears.

  
"Do you remember when we first met, Satoshi? It was 27 years ago, and yet I remember it as if it had been yesterday. What did you see in me to give me your company? If I close my eyes, I can still feel the sun shining on us."

  


  


  
**OHNO**

_April 4th, 1983_

_8:52H_

  


The sun shone brightly that morning.

  
My mother bought me my first school bag, where I carried my morning snack. I was only three years old and it was the first time I separated from my mother, but I didn't cry. I said goodbye to her and held my teacher's hand to throw myself into what would be my greatest adventure so far: my first day of school.

  
I don't remember that morning. I was very small and, although at that moment I was excited by the novelty, after that first day of school more school days came. I guess we played and sang while trying to learn our classmates' names. Although I only remember one: yours.

  
Sho.

  
Two syllables. One _kanji_.

  
I remember you as if I still could see you wearing that blue smock and that round yellow hat. Actually, we were all dressed the same, but you were different. Unlike me, you were a talkative child. In a few minutes, everyone wanted to be with you. You had that natural magnetism of yours, that aura, that strange force that attracted the whole world to you. You never lost that gift. I remember you always surrounded by people, always popular, always so charismatic. Always brilliant, Sho.

  
I didn't talk much. I just observed and did things at my own pace. I didn't have your way with people or your charming smile; the other children didn't approach me naturally nor were they especially interested in talking to me. However, I wanted to get closer to you. Ever since I saw you entering the class, holding your mother's hand, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted you to leave all those children aside and pay attention to me. At that time, I was too young to understand it, but over the years I identified that feeling.

  


  


  
_11:07H_

  


"Hi," I cheekily greeted you that morning in the garden. "I'll lend you Marin-kun."

  
You raised your gaze from your _onigiri_ and looked at my stuffed fish curiously.

  
I stood there, struggling to offer you the best of my smiles, although you already know the funny grimace I make when I'm nervous. I guess that time I made it too because you laughed while you took the stuffed animal, and invited me to have lunch with you and your large group of friends.

  
"My name is Sho. Sakurai Sho," you said, still holding Marin-kun in your hands.

  
"I'm Ohno Satoshi."

  
"Satoshi."

  
I nodded.

  
My name sounded so good when you said it.

  
You placed Marin-kun between us and kept eating while you talked to me. I don't think I said much. I was too busy listening to you or looking at you when you talked to other children. I remember I was jealous of your profile. I remember that I wanted to have a small round nose like yours. Over time I understood I liked it simply because it was yours.

  


  


  


_13:02H_

  


Marin-kun was too big to seat in class with me.

  
The teacher ordered me to leave him on the locker where we kept our bags for morning snacks. She said he could see us from there while we all played and learned together. I didn't oppose any resistance. Better on the locker than in my home, where there was nobody and where my logic of a three-year-old told me that he would feel alone.

  
At the end of the day, the teacher divided us into groups to go back home. Those in the same group would follow the same transport route. Out of all the safe routes proposed by the school, it happened that you and I had to use the same one. We didn't live in the same neighborhood, but we lived in the same area of Tokyo, and I felt absurdly happy about it. You can blame it on my three-years-old innocence, but I know there was something else behind that joy.

  
Today I know it.

  
When we went to pick our bags to go home, you walked straight to Marin-kun and took him in your arms as if he were something very valuable. You treated him as if he were something very important, with affection and tenderness, and then you took your bag as if you just hadn't had that gesture. As if you hadn't made my heart explode inside my chest, although at that time I wasn't even aware of what was happening. When you turned around and saw my surprised face, you smiled.

  
"Can we sit together on the bus?" you asked me.

  
Out of all your friends, you chose me to sit next to you.

  
I didn't know why you did it. Even today, if you ask me, I can't give you an answer. All I know is that you made me immensely happy, Sho. You made me feel unique and special while you walked with me to the yellow school bus, while you got on first, still holding Marin-kun in your arms, guiding me to the seat where, from then on, we sat down together every day during our kindergarten.

  
We were Sho and Satoshi.

  
Satoshi and Sho.

  
Well, and Marin-kun.

  
I came to hate that stuffed animal because it was always between us. He separated me from you. They were just a few centimeters, which I doubt you wanted to shorten, but for me, it was an abyss. A wall that I wanted to break. A barrier that blocked my way to you. Is it strange if I tell you that when I was three years old, I dreamed of holding your hand? But you always had it on Marin-kun while you talked and gesticulated with your other hand. That damned stuffed animal could touch you while I couldn’t.

  
Ridiculous, right?

  
Being jealous of a stuffed fish.

  
At that time, I didn't know what was happening inside of me; I just wanted to touch you, Sho. I wanted to reach out and touch your hand. Touch your fingers. Touch your cheek. Touch your nose. Touch your hair. I wanted to intertwine my fingers with yours. I wanted to stroke your cheekbone with the back of my hand. I wanted to entangle my fingers between the tufts of your neck.

  
I wanted to feel you.

  
And I didn't even know it because I was too small to understand it.

  


  


  


_November 6th, 2010_

_23:43H_

  


I slowly opened my eyes.

  
My eyelids were heavy, it was hard for me trying not to close them again. The room I was in was dark, except for a small light coming from the corridor through the small square of glass at the top of the door, and I was lying on my back on a bed that I didn't recognize. I frowned and placed a hand on my head. It was going to explode. I felt a constant hammering in my temples and behind my eyes. I wanted to place my other hand on my head too, but something prevented me to do it.

  
I looked down and discovered a silhouette on the bed.

  
A silhouette I recognized as soon as I saw it. Despite the dim light, despite my headache, despite my heavy eyelids that were still struggling to close. I would've recognized him among a million people, and blindly. I would've recognized him anywhere, in any situation, because it wasn't my senses that identified him.

  
It was my heart.

  
The heart he occupied.

  
Sho.

  
I smiled.

  
My whole body ached, my mouth was dry and I would've killed for a painkiller, but I smiled and tried to free my hand, which turned out to be held by Sho's hand and his own weight. He had fallen asleep in a chair next to my bed, with his cheek resting on our hands. Seeing that I couldn't free that hand, I tried with the other, the one I had placed on my head minutes earlier. I had to twist a little, making my headache hit my temples hard, but it was worth it. It was worth it because I was able to reach it.

  
I could reach Sho's hair and stroke it.

  
It was soft and fluffy, as I always imagined it. I slowly entangled my fingers in his strands and played with them, unable to erase the smile on my face. Sho was there, with me. He was really there. I wasn't dreaming. Even though we had always been together, since kindergarten, I felt as if I was seeing him for the first time in a long time. As if I had missed him so much that it was hard for me to breathe, and now I finally had him back with me.

  
I was so happy.

  
As I gently stroked his hair, Sho shifted in his sleep. I stopped stroking him immediately, feeling startled, since I didn't want to wake him up. I thought that if I stayed still he would go back to sleep, but he seemed to notice my hand and moved his head under it, like a puppy looking for a caress from his master. At that moment, my eyes had already gotten used to that illumination so I could see a smile forming on his lips as he slowly opened his eyes. I couldn't help but smile again, although I didn't know if he could see me, and I started moving my fingers over his scalp again.

  
"Satoshi..." he whispered.

  
My heart jumped and started beating fast.

  
I still didn't get used to hearing my name on his lips.

  
"I'm here," I answered in a whisper, my voice thick with thirst.

  
Sho jumped, literally, and threw down his chair, though he didn't seem to mind. I pulled my hand away as he leaned over me with wide eyes, still holding my other hand in his. He was trembling. He was trembling and looking at me in silence, in the middle of that darkness.

  
"Satoshi!" he exclaimed.


	3. (Re)encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**SHO**

_November 6th, 2010_

_23:51H_

 

For a moment, I thought I was dreaming.

  
During those three weeks in which Satoshi was in a coma, I thought he would never open his eyes. I tried to fool myself, clinging to that little hope I didn't want to let die, but I knew that sooner or later he would be gone. I thought I had lost him forever; I thought I would never see his eyes shining with joy again nor hear the sound of his laughter.

  
However, that night he replied to me.

  
He had opened his eyes while I was sleeping and he answered when I called his name. While I was crying, he was struggling to survive. He defied death and, against all medical prognosis, he won. He won and came back to my side.

It was a miracle.

 

  


  
**OHNO**

_November 6th, 2010_

_23:52H_

  


Sho looked at me as if he was seeing a ghost.

  
He was standing there, motionless and his eyes wide-opened. He didn't stop shaking. Was he okay? He moved his lips as if he were trying to say something, but words didn't come out of his mouth. I frowned, still struggling to keep my eyes open, and wanted to ask what was happening, but the terrible headache hit my temples again and distracted my attention from anything else. I placed my hand on my forehead once again, trying to soothe the horrible sting.

  
"How are you feeling?" Sho asked, squeezing my hand anxiously. "Is there anything you need?"

  
I wanted to talk, but my mouth was too dry.

  
"I'm thirsty," I mumbled.

  
"Wait," he replied.

  
He released my hand, lit a small light next to my bed and poured some water into a glass that was on a small table. Then, he offered it to me in his own hand, moving away the oxygen mask that covered my mouth. I sat up slightly and drank all the liquid at once as if I didn't drink for days. Although maybe it was really like that. I had the feeling that I had been sleeping for weeks and, no matter how hard I tried to remember the last thing I had done, my mind was blank. Also, I wore that oxygen mask, I had an IV in my right arm and a machine on my left monitored the activity of my heart.

  
I was in a hospital.

  
"Do you want more?" Sho asked me.

  
I nodded and he filled the glass immediately, placing it in my hand. I emptied the content again, this time a little slower, and gave it back to him. Then, I felt a burning feeling in my lungs and started coughing, trying to breathe. It was as if the oxygen in the room wasn't enough. Sho immediately put the oxygen mask back in place and placed his hand on my chest, asking me to lie down. His eyes reflected fear as he looked at me, as if I were made of glass and could break at any moment.

  
"Are you feeling better?" he asked, when I stopped coughing.

  
I nodded slowly, fighting to keep my eyes open.

  
"I think so," I whispered.

  
"Does it hurt somewhere? I can call someone," his tone still sounded anxious.

  
"My head. It feels like it's going to explode."

  
"Don't worry, I'll ask a nurse to bring you some painkiller."

  
"Thank you," I said, in a small voice.

  
I saw him pressing a button next to my bed.

  
How did I end up in a hospital? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember anything beyond my high school days. I looked at Sho. His eyebrows furrowed from time to time, turning his expression serious. I wondered if he had the answers to all the questions that crowded in my mind, chaotically.

  
"Sho ..."

  
"Yes?" he replied right away.

  
He was still holding my hand in his.

  
"How did I end up here?"

  
He looked at me in silence, his eyes wide-opened.

  
"I don't remember anything," I explained when I saw his surprise. "My mind is like a huge blank canvas."

  
The initial surprise on his face gave way to uncertainty.

  
"Do you remember me?" he asked, pointing to himself.

  
I looked at him carefully.

  
"You're kidding me? Of course, I remember you. You're Sho, my best friend since my first memories."

  
How could I forget the man I was in love with?

  
He seemed relieved momentarily, but worry took over his face right away.

  
"What about your name? Do you remember your name? Your age?"

  
"Yes, I do; Ohno Satoshi, 30 years old."

  
Once again, he seemed relieved, although now he looked confused.

  
"What is it you don't remember, then?"

  
"I don't know exactly what is, but it feels as if I had gaps," I replied, searching inside my own mind. "I have memories from my childhood, both school, and high school, but then there's like a huge void in which I only remember loose things."

  
"What do you remember?"

  
I frowned, making an effort to ignore my headache.

  
"An aquarium, I think. My apartment, and ..."

  
I was trying to search through my confusing memories, when someone knocked the door and entered the room. It was a nurse who, when she saw me, opened her eyes in surprise and looked at Sho. My friend released my hand for the first time since I had woken up and approached her.

  
"Good evening," the woman greeted with a bow.

  
"Good evening," Sho greeted, returning the bow. "Satoshi just woke up and says he has a bad headache. I don't know if you may have something that helps him feeling better."

  
"Right away," she replied helpfully. "When did he wake up?"

  
"A few minutes ago."

  
"Did he get sick? Did he throw up?"

  
"No," Sho turned to me and then looked back at the nurse. "But he seems to have difficulty breathing. He also says he lost some of his memories."

  
The nurse nodded.

  
"His memory loss can be caused by the blow on his head, and lack of oxygen is something common in patients who have been in a coma for a while," she turned to me. "Ohno-san, what's the last thing you can remember?"

  
The young nurse added a liquid to the bag connected to my IV. I just watched her, trying to find the answer she was waiting for, but my mind was like a huge, bottomless hole.

  
And the more I tried to remember, the more my head hurt.

  
"I don't know," I answered. "Everything is very confusing right now."

  
"Don't worry. You hit your head hard; temporary loss of memory is very common in these cases."

  
"Temporary?" Sho asked, sounding relieved. "How long can it last?"

  
"It's difficult to know. It could be hours, days, weeks or months."

  
"Months ?!" I exclaimed.

  
"There are ways to stimulate your memories, but it would be better if you talked about this tomorrow with the doctor. He can advise you better than I can."

  
"Sure," I frowned.

  
"I gave him a strong painkiller," the nurse informed, turning to Sho. "He should start feeling better soon, though he probably won't take long to fall asleep."

  
"Thank you very much," he replied.

  
"If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me," she offered, bowing.

  
Sho nodded and returned the bow, just before the woman left the room. I looked at him, his back still facing me as he stared at the door through which the nurse had just disappeared. I needed answers.

  
"What did exactly happen?" I asked him.

  
My friend turned around and looked at me.

  
"What?" he asked, confused.

  
"Why am I here? Why was I in a coma?"

  
Sho sighed, picked up the chair from the floor and sat next to me.

  
"Satoshi," he said, taking my hand in his again. "I don't think it's good to talk about this now. You just woke up and you aren't feeling well. We can talk about this later. I promise I won't leave your side."

  
Sho's words warmed my soul.

  
Hearing he wouldn't leave my side made my heart beat fast inside my chest, but I needed answers. Before that painkiller took its effects and I was no longer able to keep my eyes open, I needed to know how I had come to that situation.

  
"I need to know, Sho," I begged, weakly. "I need to fill this huge hole in my mind or I'm going to go crazy."

  
My friend sighed again and remained silent, staring at my hand in his. He frowned as he caressed the back of my hand with his thumb, and then looked at me, still frowning.

  
"Do you really remember nothing?"

  
I shook my head slowly.

  
He nodded; it seemed more like a gesture made to himself than to me.

  
"Can you promise me that, if I answer that question, you'll wait until tomorrow to find out anything else you want to know, and will rest now?"

  
I nodded right away.

  
"We had a car accident," he replied, sadness reflected in his eyes. "I was driving. I turned out unharmed, I only had a couple of scratches on my right leg, but you didn't wake up. You've been in a coma for almost three weeks and doctors gave me no hope. You can't imagine how bad it's been, Satoshi. I thought I would never see you again. "

  
His eyes blurred with tears, but he bit his lower lip to hold them back. It seemed like he felt responsible that I was in that state. It broke my heart seeing him suffering like that.

  
"It wasn't your fault, Sho," I tried to reassure him, even though I didn't remember anything. "Accidents happen and they aren't anyone's fault. Don't bear that responsibility."

  
He nodded, blinking to control the tears that were struggling to roll down.

  
"Now, rest. Please," he asked me. "Your condition is weak."

  
I nodded, moving my hand in his to hold his hand. Sho was right; I had all the time in the world to ask him all the questions I wanted, once I had enough strength, so I closed my eyes and surrendered to exhaustion.

  
If Sho was by my side, everything would be fine.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_November 7th, 2010_

_00:37H_

  


When Satoshi fell asleep, I broke down.

  
I was scared.

  
My Satoshi.

  
The one that fascinated me with his personality. The one that made my heart vibrate every time he smiled. The one who healed all my wounds just with his presence. The one that I fell in love with from the first moment I saw him at kindergarten, even though I was too young to understand what was happening.

  
Satoshi.

  
The one that soon would move to Hokkaido.

  
As soon as he recovered and could leave the hospital, he would leave me. I couldn't stand the thought of having to say goodbye to him again. I always knew he was the most important person in my life, but after those three weeks in which I thought he was dead, it was clearer than ever that I didn't want to live the torture of a life without him.

  
I didn't want to lose him again.

  
As soon as he told me he didn't remember what happened, it was as if something was turned on inside of me and my heart decided to act on its own. It was wrong. I didn't even know how I was going to handle the situation, but I was so desperate to keep him from walking away from me again that I just let the words leave my mouth.

  
I didn't think about the consequences.

  
I wiped my tears, grabbed my phone and left the room.

  
I went down the stairs, instead of taking the elevator. I needed to think. I didn't want to take advantage of Satoshi's condition; my intention had never been to hurt him. I loved him to the point where I was willing to fight tooth and nail for him. Even if that meant having to give up my moral integrity.

  
As I left the hospital to have some fresh air, my phone rang in my pocket. I took it clumsily, due to the bad state of my nerves, and answered the call without checking who it was.

  
"Sho," the answer came from the other end of the line.

  
My heart froze.

  
"Jun ..." I said, almost out of breath.

  
"Did anything happen?"

  
"N-No. Why?"

  
"You aren't replying my texts."

  
I sighed.

  
"I'm sorry. I was with Satoshi."

  
There was a silence on his end.

  
"Is there... any news?" he asked, as if he was holding his breath.

  
I kept silent.

  
"Sho?"

  
"I'm here..."

  
"What happened, Sho?" he exclaimed, nervous. "Tell me, please!"

  
I could hear his voice breaking.

  
I sighed, bit my lower lip and looked at the sky. Tears began rolling down my cheeks again. The lip that I had been biting began shaking uncontrollably. I leaned against my car in the parking lot and ran a hand through my hair.

  
"Jun..." I stammered. "He has... died..."

  
"No," he replied, incredulous.

  
"I'm sorry ..." I whispered.

  
"No!" he yelled. "No, no... NO!!"

  
I covered my face with my free hand while I kept crying.

  
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." I mumbled. "I am so sorry..."

  
I was the most horrible person in the world.

  
I was convinced that, if fate had stopped Satoshi on his way to Hokkaido and had allowed him to wake up from his coma, it had to be some kind of sign. We were given a second chance and I wouldn't waste it. Even if I had to wreck Jun like I was doing. I didn't know how I had come to that, but I couldn't go back. If I did, I would lose Satoshi.

  
Nothing made me more afraid.

  
"Sho... this is a nightmare..." Jun said, crying on the other end of the line.

  
I opened my mouth, tears still rolling down my cheeks, and I tried to breathe.

  
"Jun," I managed to say. "I'm coming over... right now..."

  
"Okay," he sobbed.

  
"See you in a few minutes."

  
I hung up and ran both hands through my hair.

  
What was I doing?

 


	4. Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**SHO**

_November 7th, 2010_

_1:04H_

  
Everything happened very fast.

  
As soon as I realized that Satoshi had forgotten Jun and I had the chance to avoid losing him once again, I started lying. I wanted to keep him by my side. That was the only thing I was sure about. I had loved him with every fiber of my being since we were kids and I wouldn't let him go to Hokkaido.

  
I wouldn't allow anyone to take him away from me again.

  
I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and put my cellphone back in my pocket. The pressure in my chest was becoming unbearable, but I had to deal with it. Now that I had started all that and got myself into that mess, I couldn't tell the truth; I couldn't tell Jun that Satoshi was alive in that hospital, no matter how guilty I felt.

  
I didn't use the elevator.

  
I slowly went up the stairs, taking my time to accept what I was about to do. I stood in front of Jun's room door and took a deep breath. I was about to face one of the most difficult situations in my life. I knew Jun since we were high school students and, although we didn't always get along that well, I had come to love him. Lying in something so serious was despicable, but I had no choice.

  
I didn't know or want to live without Satoshi anymore.

  
I gently knocked the door and peeked in.

  
My heart was about to come out of my chest.

  
"Come in," Jun said almost in a whisper.

  
I entered the room and stood at the door, not daring to approach him. I knew it wouldn't be easy; I knew it since the moment I was aware of what I was doing, but we hadn't started talking and seeing him was already shattering my heart. I felt an almost unstoppable desire to burst into tears again, overwhelmed by my own guilt, but I bit my lip and held back.

  
"I can't believe he's dead," he lamented, his gaze fixed on the window.

  
I swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the knot in my throat.

  
"We were on our way to Hokkaido, the two of us together. I was planning to introduce him to my family," he continued, sobbing.

"And now he's dead. Because of me."

  
"Don't say that."

  
"We were arguing. I yelled at him."

  
"It wasn't your fault, Jun," I said, clenching my fists. "Accidents happen and they aren't anyone's fault. Don't bear that responsibility."

  
Unconsciously, I found myself repeating Satoshi's words.

  
A tear slowly rolled down Jun's cheek and I felt a knot in my stomach. I felt even guiltier; seeing Jun wrecked and blaming himself for a death that wasn't even real was making me feel so low, so despicable, that I wanted to disappear.

  
I wanted to disappear and cease to exist.

  
"I don't know what I'm going to do, Sho."

  
I slowly approached his bed.

  
"Give yourself a break," I said. "It's not time to think about anything. You can make decisions when the wound begins to heal."

  
His pain was inconsolable. The only thing I could do was try to make him feel a little less lonely, even though I knew I was a cynical and would go to hell for what I was doing. After a while, I called a nurse and asked her, behind's Jun's back, to give him a downer. In his condition, it wasn't good that he spent a whole night awake, feeling uneasy.

  
When Jun closed his eyes, I dropped into the chair beside him.

  
How would I fix that mess?

  


  


  
_7:53H_

  
I spent the night in the hospital.

  
Part of it, I was with Satoshi. Around four o'clock I went to the cafeteria to have an infusion, in an attempt to calm my nerves, and then went back to Jun's room. He woke up around six thirty in the morning, startled and screaming. I calmed him down the best I could and stayed by his side, although he chose to look out the window in silence.

  
Every once in a while, a tear slipped down his cheek.

  
I glanced at my watch and realized the hospital staff should be about to start their shifts. I cleared my throat to get Jun's attention and stood up, though he didn't look away from the window.

  
"I'll be back," I said. "I have to call my office."

  
I left the room and waited in the hall. I didn't need to call my company since it was Sunday and I didn't have to work. My purpose was very different. When I saw Dr. Nakatsu approaching down the hall, I straightened up and bowed.

  
"Good morning, Sakurai-san!" he greeted me, with a cheerful tone. "You've come early. I have to do the final checks before Jun can be discharged. It'll still take a couple of hours."

  
"Don't worry," I cleared my throat. "Actually, I've spent the night here. I'm sure you've already heard the good news."

  
"About your friend?"

  
I nodded.

  
"Oh, yes! They told me as soon as I arrived," the doctor confirmed, showing me a big smile. "It's fantastic news! Jun must be happy."

  
"Actually, I would like to talk to you about that."

  
Unlike him, I didn't smile, which caused his smile to fade.

  
"How can I help you?"

  
"See, doctor, as you very well know, Jun is in a very delicate condition," I began to explain. "Not only has his body been affected by the accident, but also his emotions."

  
Dr. Nakatsu nodded silently, expectantly.

  
"I didn't want to tell him about our friend because I'm afraid it'll be too much for him right now. I'd rather have Jun going home and tell him there, in the comfort of his home. You know this is not exactly a place that makes him feel comfortable."

  
"I understand," the doctor nodded again. "I think he'll like to know your friend is fine, but I understand what you're saying. I'll respect your wish."

  
I forced a friendly smile.

  
"Thank you, doctor. This is important for Jun's well-being."

  
"You're a good friend."

  
"If you only knew..."

  
The doctor laughed and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder.

  
"Well, if that's all that bothered you, rest assured," he pretended to close a zipper over his lips. "My lips are sealed."

  
"I appreciate it, really."

  
"I'll come back in a little while to see him, okay?" he said, pointing to Jun's room.

  
I nodded and watched him as he walked down the corridor, his white coat billowing behind him.

  
Dr. Nakatsu was a great guy.

  


  


  
**JUN**

_November 7th, 2010_

_11:13H_

  
Sho came to help me, as he had promised.

  
I don't know if he arrived at the hospital very early or if he spent the night there, but he was already by my side when I woke up, before the sun came up. When Dr. Nakatsu entered the room, he seemed especially cheerful. He signed my certificate of discharge as if he were signing a million dollars contract and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder, saying that everything was fine now.

  
But nothing was fine.

  
Satoshi had died.

  


  


  
_November 8th, 2010_

_10:23H_

  
I didn't have any strength.

  
I asked Sho to take care of everything.

  


  


  
_November 9th, 2010_

_21:17H_

  
When Sho left work, he came to pick me up.

  
He took me to a beach in Chiba and there we threw the ashes of Satoshi.

  
My Satoshi.

  
Not Tokyo, not Hokkaido.

  
Now he rested in the place he really loved: the sea.

  


  


  
_22:07H_

  
Sho offered to stay with me, but I asked him to leave.

  
His presence reminded me too much of Satoshi.

  
I planned to stay home all night, watching TV to distract myself, but the damn cast was driving me crazy. It was too hot, even though it was winter, and it made my leg itchy all over. And the worst part was that I couldn't scratch it. I was looking forward to the next damn weeks to be over and finally get rid of it.

  
"If you keep moving like that, you're going to fall off the stool."

  
Ninomiya, the bartender of the pub that was below my building, dried glasses absent-mindedly as he spoke in his usual neutral tone, as if he didn't care. I had decided to go have a drink, to see if time went faster that way, and now I was looking at Ninomiya from the other side of the bar, with a frown on my face.

  
"It's my damn leg," I complained. "It's driving me crazy."

  
"An important event?"

  
"No", I replied, taking a sip of my drink. "What makes you think that?"

  
Ninomiya made sure that the glass he was holding in his hand shone like gold before placing it aside and taking a new one. He shrugged and made something similar to a pout.

  
"I would say it isn't the cast that makes you move like that."

  
I looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

  
He ignored me and kept all his attention on his glasses.

  
I sighed.

  
"Have you ever felt lost?", I asked him.

  
He took a few seconds to reply.

  
"Yeah. A few times."

  
"That's how I feel right now. I don't know what to do with my life, or how to go on," I took another sip of my drink. "I was born in Hokkaido, you know. Have you ever been there?"

  
"I haven't had the pleasure."

  
"It must be covered in snow right now, but you should see it in summer. Its green fields are one of the most beautiful landscapes you'll ever see. I miss them so much."

  
Ninomiya put another clean glass aside.

  
"Why are you still here then?"

  
I looked up.

  
"For love."

  
Ninomiya snorted as if I had just said the dumbest thing in the world.

  
"You can't be serious."

  
I nodded.

  
"I found something even more beautiful than the fields of Hokkaido. You should've met him. He was... so special..."

  
Ninomiya put yet another glass aside.

  
"Where is he now?"

  
"Somewhere I can't follow him."

  
"And he would have followed you?" he asked. "To Hokkaido, I mean."

  
"He was about to..."

  
I had to pause.

  
A knot had formed in my throat, preventing me from speaking.

  
"Why didn't he do it?"

  
"He didn't have time," I replied, feeling my voice crack. "He died... before we could go there..."

  
Ninomiya stopped drying glasses and looked at me

  
"I'm sorry," he said.

  
I shook my head and took a long sip of my drink, trying to undo that knot that prevented me from speaking. I cleared my throat and looked up at the ceiling of the pub to hold back the tears that fought to roll down my cheeks.

  
"We had an accident," I continued, in a small voice. "It was my fault, but I only broke my leg and three ribs. However, he..."

  
"Accidents aren't anyone's fault," Ninomiya said. "They're accidents."

  
I stared at my glass and started to play with it in my hands.

  
A tear rolled down my cheek.

  


  


  
_April 1st, 1994_

_12:34H_

  
That spring, my family and I moved to Tokyo.

  
Because of my father's work, I had to start from scratch in a new school. I was thirteen years old. At that age, I already had a group of friends in Sapporo. Friends I had a hard time saying goodbye to, but even so, I was ready to conquer the world. I was willing to forget my sadness and find a new group of friends to share my school days with.

  
I never imagined what life had prepared for me.

  
He was fourteen years old and he was someone exceptional. He caught my attention from the very first moment I saw him, with his absent-mindedness and his refreshing character. I admired him from the first minute, since my eyes found him for the first time and contemplated his incredible beauty.

  
"Hi," I approached him in the school cafeteria, with my best smile.

  
He looked at me confused.

  
"Hello..." he stammered, looking around, as if wondering if I really talked to him.

  
"I'm Matsumoto Jun. Nice to meet you. I'm new around here."

  
"Ah," he scratched the back of his neck, shyly. "I'm Ohno Satoshi."

  
"Can I be your friend?"

  
"Eh?" he looked with surprise at the boy standing next to him, who was frowning at me, and then turned back to me. "Yes, of course. But-"

"Great!" I exclaimed, grabbing a tray and pushing that frowning boy away to stand next to Satoshi. "I heard there's _omuraisu_ on the menu."

  
When I looked at him again, he was smiling so warmly that my heart exploded.

  
And I knew I had fallen for him.


	5. Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**SHO**

_November 9th, 2010_

_22:34H_

  
The moment I saw him, I forgot everything else.

  
Satoshi was leaning back on his bed, slightly sitting up, flipping through an art magazine I had brought him the day before. He still had that IV in his right arm and needed oxygen, but at least the mask that covered his nose and mouth a few days ago had been replaced by a thin tube inserted in his nose, resting on his cheeks.

I knocked on the door, even though I had already opened it, and looked at him with a smile.

  
"May I come in?"

  
"Hi, Sho," he smiled. "I'm so glad to see you."

  
"Did you think I wouldn't come?" I asked, closing the door.

  
"Well... Maybe you had a lot of work and you couldn't come today... Also, you came to visit me every day since I woke up and even spent the nights here. You must be tired."

  
I approached his bed, still with a smile on my lips.

  
"I'll keep coming every day until you get out of here. I'm not going to leave you alone, Satoshi," I promised. "How are you feeling today?"

  
"I'm sore because I can't leave this bed and I'm very bored," he chuckled. "But I'm fine. My head didn't hurt today and I've managed to remember some things."

  
I took the chair and sat next to him, carefully paying attention to what he was saying. Now that I knew he wouldn't die, now that I had him back with me, I wanted to hear everything he had to say, everything he wanted to tell me. To me, every word I heard from Satoshi was a miracle; a valuable gift I would take care of.

  
"What did you remember?" I asked.

  
"Mostly, things that have to do with my work in the aquarium: seal pool, jellyfish tank, giant crabs... You know, those things."

  
"I see," I laughed amused.

  
He laughed too.

  
"Hey, Sho."

  
"What?"

  
"Thanks for everything you're doing for me."

  
"Don't mention it."

  
"If it weren't for you, I would feel very lonely here."

  
I smiled, holding back the desire to caress him.

  
I was dying to reach out and touch his cheek with the back of my fingers.

  
"I already told you I won't leave you alone," I replied, warmly.

  
"I know," he sighed. "But, if everything goes well and I end up being discharged, I guess I won't be able to go back to work immediately. Truth is... I'm a bit afraid of that moment..."

  
I frowned at how sad his eyes had become.

  
"Why do you say that?"

  
"Because I'll be alone, in my apartment, with lots of free time in my hands," he looked at me in silence. "I know I'm selfish, but I'm going to miss you so much when I get out of here."

  
For a moment there, he had scared me.

  
"Don't be silly," I smiled, relieved. "We'll still be friends. I'll keep visiting you and I'll call you to have lunch together on weekends or drink together, as soon as they allow you to drink alcohol."

  
He smiled bitterly and nodded.

  
An idea crossed my mind, but maybe it was too far-fetched. I looked at Satoshi, who was now looking at his hands while playing with them in his lap. I couldn't see his eyes, but I knew him almost better than I knew myself, and I knew what that lowered head meant: he was expecting something that he didn't dare to ask for. I didn't know what he was expecting, but I went ahead.

  
"Do you want to move in with me?" I told him my crazy idea, offering the only thing I could offer him. "I mean when you get out of here."

  
Satoshi raised his head and looked at me, surprised.

  
"What?"

  
"If you want to, you can stay at my home for as long as you need; until you recover your memory or longer," once I started, I couldn't stop. "Truth is I would also be more at ease if I know you're close. I'm afraid that something might happen to you and I won't able to make it on time to help you or whatever."

  
His surprised expression turned into a smile, accompanied by a sparkle that I hadn't seen in his eyes for a long time. I don't mean only in those three weeks in which he was in a coma and I couldn't see his eyes, but in the time before he had that accident. In recent years, Satoshi seemed to be too preoccupied with things that took his desire to live life to its fullest away, and now that desire was reflected in his eyes again.

  
"OK," he replied.

  
"Good," I nodded as a wide smile appeared on my face. I must have looked like an idiot. "I'll get everything set up for when you move in. I don't know when they'll discharge you, but I want everything to be ready for you."

  
Satoshi laughed.

  
My goodness.

  
The sound of his laughter.

  
I had missed it so much.

  
Hearing it felt like being born again. Without sins. Without faults. Without loads of conscience. Listening to Satoshi laughing filled me with life and made me feel the world was a wonderful place. In fact, it was, because Satoshi was in it and I could be by his side. I could be by his side. I didn't know how long that happiness would last, but I wanted it to last forever; I wished I could enjoy for the rest of my life the blessing of his laughter, of his eyes filled with excitement, of his warm words.

  
I wanted him to stay with me forever.

 

  


  
**OHNO**

_November 18th, 2010_

_20:04H_

  
I didn't know what I had done to deserve Sho.

  
He treated me like a prince; always looking after me. He made me smile when the situation overwhelmed me, he helped me see the positive side when being locked in that hospital was too much, he brought me magazines and manga to keep me distracted, and he bought me food at least once a week. In fact, we had made Thursdays the day we had sushi together.

  
I felt happy every time I saw him walking in the room. I spent days killing time, but nights were wonderful; simply because he was by my side. Most days we didn't talk for more than a couple of hours because the medication made me sleepier than usual, but for me, it was a priceless time. When Sho laughed, his eyes arched, forming two half-moons, while his shoulders moved to the rhythm of his breathing. When Sho spoke, he sometimes frowned very seriously and sometimes he gesticulated while explaining himself. And I loved watching the show of expressions that he was.

  
When Sho was with me, the rest of the world disappeared.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_November 26th, 2010_

_23:56H_

  
I ran, ran and ran.

  
I knew it wasn't polite to run through the corridors of a hospital, but it was almost midnight; at that time, the patients were in their rooms and the doctors and nurses on duty were in the staff room. Also, I had a compelling reason that excused my inappropriate behavior: I needed to get to Satoshi's room before the clock marked the change of day.

  
When I arrived, I checked my watch and was glad there were still four minutes left until midnight. It was impossible for me to visit the hospital earlier because I had to go to pick up Jun, who was so drunk that he wasn't able to go back home by himself, but at least I was still on time to congratulate Satoshi in person on his birthday (I had already done it by e-mail first thing in the morning and then by phone during my lunch break, but it wasn't enough). I placed my hand on the doorknob, almost out of breath, and briefly knocked before opening the door. When I looked inside, the lights were off, except for the small light on the nightstand, the television was on and Satoshi was sleeping peacefully.

  
Probably, he was exhausted and couldn't stay awake.

  
I smiled as I closed the door and quietly entered the room. I picked up the remote control, which was resting on the bed, next to Satoshi's hand, and turned the TV off before leaving the device on the nightstand. When I was about to turn off the only light that dimly lit the room, I couldn't help but notice his face; he seemed to be sound asleep, now that he no longer had that tube stuck in his nose, rubbing and hurting him, and his expression was serene and relaxed. I slowly reached out and gently brushed away the bangs that rested on his forehead.

  
Even sick as he was, he still looked like an angel.

  


  


  
_May 10th, 1988_

_21:03H_

  
We were very busy that day.

  
We left school early in the morning to go to Enoshima. We were eight years old and it was our first real trip. We had been out of the school before: we had visited the zoo, the botanical garden, the insect museum and the top of the metropolitan government building. However, that was the first time we wouldn't go back home at the end of the day. After visiting the lighthouse, the caves and the beach, we took the Enoden to Kamakura, where we would spend the night in a small house the school rented.

  
Satoshi and I were together all day. We rode the school bus together to Enoshima, we climbed the lighthouse in the same group, we visited the caves walking side by side, I stood behind him whenever we had to queue, and we gathered shells and conches on the beach. Satoshi wanted to give them to his mother and I didn't even think about the chance of not helping him. Everything Satoshi did, I did it too. Everything I did, Satoshi did it too.

  
We were one.

  
After dinner, our teacher divided us into three groups in alphabetical order, since there were three rooms with ten beds each, and he announced we had half an hour to put on our pajamas and brush our teeth. He warned us that in thirty minutes he wanted everyone in bed and in silence since he himself would go check the bedrooms and turn off the lights. Satoshi and I slept in the same room (luckily, in our class there weren't many students between Ohno and Sakurai), so we chose two beds that were next to each other, we left our backpacks on them and did everything our teacher told us to do. When he came to check our bedroom, we were all as still as statues under our bedsheets. I'm sure some of us even stopped breathing until the teacher finally closed the door.

  
I turned to Satoshi in the darkness, even though I couldn't see him.

  
"Satoshi," I whispered.

  
"What?" he whispered back.

  
"Marin-kun would have liked to come to the beach."

  
"Don't talk nonsense," he laughed. "It's a stuffed fish."

  
"You're hurting his feelings."

  
"He isn't here."

  
"If he were here, you would hurt them."

  
Satoshi laughed again.

  
"Sleep," he ordered me, chuckling.

  
"I'm not sleepy..."

  
"Neither I am."

  
"Tell me something funny," I asked, settling on my pillow.

  
"What do you want me to tell you?"

  
"I don't know. Anything is okay. Don't you know any funny story?"

  
"I think I've already told you all the funny stories I know."

  
"Well, make one up then," I laughed.

  
"Why don't you do it yourself?!" he exclaimed, amused.

  
"Let's see," I made a sound to let him know I was thinking. "How about the story of a boy who was on a school trip in Kamakura and his feet were cold?"

  
"Are your feet cold?"

  
"Frozen."

  
"Frozen as in what?"

  
"Frozen as in two ice cubes."

  
"I can't sleep when my feet are cold," he confessed.

  
"Truth is I can't either."

  
Satoshi didn't reply.

  
He moved under his sheets. I thought he was changing his position, but suddenly I heard his footsteps between our beds and I felt him lifting my bedsheets. I moved in silence, making room for him to be more comfortable, as I felt the weight of his body on my mattress and his head resting on my pillow, just a few inches away from me. He moved his feet under the sheets and rubbed them against mine.

  
"Wow!" he whispered, surprised. "They surely are frozen."

  
I didn't answer. My heart was beating too fast as to say anything.

  
Satoshi kept rubbing his feet against mine for several minutes until they got warm. Then he stopped, but he didn't go back to his bed. He lay beside me all night, warming my body with his. I was so nervous that it took me hours to fall asleep, but he fell asleep right away, despite saying he wasn't sleepy. In the morning, when I opened my eyes, the sun slipped through the curtains of the room, allowing me to see his face, still asleep.

  
If angels existed, I was sure he was one.


	6. Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**JUN**

_November 30th, 2010_

_18:23H_

  
That damn cast was driving me crazy.

  
It made my leg itchy all over and I couldn't scratch it. It was the closest thing to torture, so I was looking forward to the next day to get rid of it once and for all. Dr. Nakatsu told me my leg would heal better if I was able to keep the cast a little longer, but I was sick of everything; I wanted to leave Tokyo as soon as possible.

  
I got up from the couch and began to walk around my living room, simply because being in motion made the itch calm down, at least temporarily. I approached my wooden bookshelf and browsed through my books. In the last weeks, I had enough free time to read almost all my pending readings and even to reread my favorite novels. I couldn't go back to work yet and, even if I could, I had already sent my resignation letter a week ago. What had I missed in Tokyo, now that Satoshi was gone?

  
I glanced at the digital clock leaning on one of the shelves, in front of some photo albums: it wasn't even six thirty in the afternoon. Sho didn't finish his work until eight; I had too many hours ahead and that day I needed them less than ever.

  
I looked at those photo albums out of the corner of my eye.

  
I knew it wasn't a good idea to take a look at them, so I got rid of the temptation and walked to the mini bar where I always kept Scotch whiskey for my visitors. I poured half a glass over some ice and went back to the couch. I took a sip. I held the glass in my hands as I looked at the television, although I wasn't really paying attention to it. I took another sip of my whiskey. I put it on the table, stood up and walked to the shelf.

  
I knew it would wreck me, but it was as if a mysterious force drove me to do it; I grabbed one of the albums, one in particular, and took it with me to the couch. When I sat down and placed it on my lap, still closed, I stared at the navy blue cover. Satoshi gave me that album six years ago.

  
It was a Christmas gift.

  
I opened it and went through the pages, slowly. That album was just ours. Mine andSatoshi's. It was full of our smiling faces since I met him, when I was thirteen, until the moment he gave it to me when I was twenty-three. Ten years of memories, ten years full of good times, ten years of happiness for having the chance of sharing them with him. And at the end of the album, there was a note with Satoshi's handwriting: "This is just the beginning. Thank you for your love."

  
I finished the rest of my whiskey in one gulp.

  
I got up and took the bottle from the mini bar to pour another glass while walking back to the couch, where I left the album. I placed the bottle on the table and, with the glass in my hand, I ran my fingers over Satoshi's note. I took a long sip of my whiskey, with trembling lips.

  
He was gone.

  
Satoshi was gone.

 

  


  
_December 4th, 2001_

_17:11H_

  
I admired Satoshi since I met him.

  
I wanted to be like him, to see life as he saw it, to be free like he was. I wanted to spend more and more time with him and it bothered me when other people stole his attention, until it reached the point where spending time with him wasn't enough anymore. It was then that I realized the admiration I felt was becoming something else; I wanted to know his secrets and his obsessions, all those things no one else knew. And touch him. I wanted to caress his body, kiss his lips and discover every last corner of his skin. Truth is that I never bothered to hide it. Since the moment I realized what I was feeling, I was clear about my intentions, and soon I confessed.

  
It was the winter after my twenty-first birthday.

  
I called Satoshi to meet that afternoon. We went to Ueno zoo together and had a warm coffee in one of the park benches. He was wearing a thick winter scarf in which he hid his mouth and nose while warming his hands with the paper cup that contained the coffee with milk I bought for him. It was starting to get dark, so it was time to leave. We took the train back home together and I got off at his stop to walk him home while we talked, talked and talked. Or maybe I talked and he just listened, making some comments here and there. A couple of streets before reaching his home, I stopped; I didn't want his neighbors to see us. I faced him to look him in the eyes and took his hands in mine, with all the love I felt for him.

  
"Satoshi, listen," I had been holding those feelings inside of me for too long, but I didn't even think about how I would confess. "I want to tell you something important."

  
He tilted his head. I could only see his eyes since he kept hiding his mouth and nose under the thick scarf, but I was sure he was pouting; the kind of pout I found so adorable and attractive at the same time.

  
"What's wrong, Jun?"

  
"No. Nothing's wrong," I caressed the backs of his hands with my thumbs. "Look, I have no idea how to say this, I didn't prepare anything, so I'm going to say what first comes to my mind right now; what comes straight out of my heart."

  
Satoshi looked at me, not understanding a thing I was saying.

  
"See," I cleared my throat. "It's been a while since... I feel that you're very special to me. I can't stop thinking about you and I feel that time by your side is never enough. I think I didn't hide my interest in you at all, so I'm sure you already noticed, but I don't want to keep hiding it and regret it in the future," I looked at him in silence. "Satoshi, I want to be with you. Not as your friend, but as your partner."

  
His eyes stared at me.

  
He didn't seem to be surprised.

  
"I'm not going to say I didn't know anything," he admitted. "Truth is you weren't subtle at all, even at the times when Sho was with us. Sometimes you made me feel really awkward," he chuckled and his eyes danced. "What surprises me is the moment you chose to tell me. Why today?"

  
"Well... There's no particular reason why I did it today," I replied, feeling the heat rising to my cheeks. "I've just been trying to gather the courage to tell you for a long time now, and it finally happened today."

Satoshi nodded.

  
"I really appreciate you think of me this way and I admire that you were brave enough to tell me. I know it's not easy," he looked down at our hands, still together. "But, Jun, I... I don't know if I can give you what you need..."

  
My heart stopped in my chest.

  
I frowned.

  
"Why?"

  
"Because I like you; you're handsome, smart, passionate and kind. I really like you, I really do," he replied. "But I'm not in love with you. I don't know if I can make you happy."

  
I squeezed his hands.

  
"You don't have to give me an answer now. I can give you time if you want to think about it."

  
He looked up and looked at me with wide eyes.

  
This time he looked surprised.

  
"Jun, it's not fair."

  
"Please," I found myself begging. "I'd rather wait if that gives me any chance."

  
Satoshi's eyes sparkled.

  
I think I saw tears in them while he nodded.

  
"I promise not to make you wait for too long," he said in an almost inaudible voice. "Give me just a couple of days, so I can think about this and put my feelings in order."

  
That kind of answer shouldn't make me happy, but it did. It wasn't what you want to hear when you confess, but at least he wasn't rejecting me. I nodded right away, showing him I agreed.

  
"Alright."

  
"I'll give you an answer before the weekend," he promised me.

  
"Thank you," I whispered, gently pulling his hands. "Thank you."

  
I placed my arms around his body and breathed in his scent.

  
Satoshi's gentle scent.

  


  


  
_November 30th, 2010_

_20:36H_

  
Three days later, Satoshi came to my house

  
He said again he wasn't in love with me, but he liked me and wanted to try to make things work between us if I agreed. I wanted to see if things worked for us too. I would've liked to hear he was in love with me, but the fact that he liked me and wanted to try was enough at that moment. Over time, I saw our relationship went well and he got more and more involved, and that's when I started to be happy.

  
Extremely happy.

  
When I finished my degree, I looked for a job and decided to stay in Tokyo with him; those were the happiest eight years of my life. Then, my father suffered a heart attack. It happened less than a year ago. I immediately went to Sapporo, where I spent a few weeks until he was recovered, but I felt tremendously guilty when I had to go back to Tokyo. I was leaving my mother alone, in charge of my father, and I couldn't stop thinking about that during the whole trip back. When I arrived at my apartment, I called Satoshi, who came right away and offered to spend the night with me; he must've noticed something was wrong because he brought up the subject himself. That night we talked long and hard for hours. I confessed my fears and everything that was going through my head, and he ended up saying he would move to Hokkaido with me.

  
I thought it wasn't fair to take him away from his life in Tokyo, but he insisted he could start over in Sapporo. He said he would manage to visit Sho and his other friends some other weekend. I considered myself the luckiest person in the world. I didn't know what I had done to deserve Satoshi, who was always so generous to me. Now, looking back, it seemed to me that our accident was some kind of punishment for being selfish and trying to take him with me.

  
Tears welled up in my eyes as I finished my fourth glass of whiskey. The bottle was almost empty, but I leaned forward and poured the last of the alcohol into my glass. While I finished off the liquid, I burst into tears.

  
Satoshi and I had been arguing that day in the car. He was crying and I kept yelling at him, getting carried away in a completely ridiculous attack of jealousy. I loved Satoshi more than anything in this world, and I had made him suffer during his last minutes of life.

  
We were at our best. We were going to live together in Sapporo, where we would spend the rest of our days, but I had to ruin everything. I got angry, I yelled at him and didn't pay attention to the road. I crossed over into the opposite lane for hardly a second, but it was enough to force me to make a sharp turn in order to avoid an oncoming car. Our car rolled down a bank, and I took several blows to my head and body as glass and metal shattered around us.

  
It was a moment of confusion and panic, which I can't recall very clearly. I only remember that when it was all over and the car had stopped moving, I felt an unbearable pressure on my right leg. I felt dizzy and disoriented, my head was about to explode, and there wasn't a single part of my body that didn't hurt. I tried to get out of the car, but I couldn't move because my leg was trapped under a piece of the wreckage. It was then that I looked beside me, and realized that Satoshi wasn't there.

  
I forgot about my leg and my headache, and began to yell his name, several times, in desperation. I looked around for him with just my eyes for what seemed like an eternity, and finally found him lying face down a few meters away from the car, surrounded by a pool of blood that was growing increasingly larger. Tears were rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably as I screamed his name again, but he didn't reply. I clumsily searched for my cellphone, praying that it still worked, and dialed Sho's number.

  
Satoshi never woke up.


	7. Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**OHNO**

_December 5th, 2010_

_20:11H_

  
I couldn't believe it.

  
I could go home.

  
I still had to visit the hospital every two weeks to check everything went well, but I didn't care. At last, I could have a life that didn't only involve flipping through magazines and watching TV all day, and that was the only thing that mattered to me at the moment. Depending on how my stay outside the hospital evolved, they would soon allow me to work again, and the best of it all was that Sho invited me to move in his apartment while I wasn't fully recover. Not only did I feel safe and accompanied by being around him, but I was euphoric.

  
I would live under the same roof as Sho.

 

  


  
**SHO**

_December 8th, 2010_

_15:34H_

That Thursday I took the day off.

  
Neither my work nor anything else in this world was more important than being with Satoshi the day he was discharged. I helped him carry all his stuff and drove him to his apartment, where I helped him to place the rest of his things in a suitcase. I still couldn't believe he would live with me.

  
In my house.

  
"Satoshi!" I called him from the living room, where he asked me to help him gather some canvases he had half painted. "The dog one too?"

  
"Yes!" he replied, from his bedroom. "Especially, the dog one."

  
Who could think of filling such a large canvas with just one big dog?

  
I chuckled to myself, shaking my head. Satoshi was someone so special that he made something as weird sounding adorable to me. I took the giant half-painted dog and moved it to the front door, where I placed it next to two other canvases. I turned around to go back to the living room to pick up his paintings and brushes, when I found him standing in front of me, holding a big fish shaped plush in his hands while smiling.

  
"Oh!" I exclaimed surprised. "Marin-kun! Long time no see!"

  
I approached Satoshi to caress the head of the fish with affection.

  
That stuffed animal brought me so many memories.

  
"We're taking him with us," said my friend, still smiling.

  
"Sure. It'd be cruel to leave him here, all by himself."

  
Satoshi laughed and placed the stuffed animal in my arms. I smiled and stared at him as he turned around and disappeared down the hall. When I was with him, all the guilt and remorse of conscience I felt disappeared. When Satoshi was around, I felt everything was worth it and, if I could go back in time and return to the day when he woke up, I would lie again and again and again. For him. To have him by my side. To return to that distant day when it was just he and I.

  
The fact that we could take all of Satoshi's things to my house in just one trip reminded me that his stay in my apartment was temporary. I knew that at some point I would have to let him go. I would have to tell him the truth, if he didn't remember it before I did, and he probably wouldn't want to see me again. After all, I had become a disgusting being; a manipulative man who was taking advantage of the weak mental state of the person he loved. A selfish man.

  
A liar.

  
When we arrived at my apartment, I helped him to settle in an empty room that I only used when a friend stayed for the night. Satoshi had once stayed there, although he didn't seem to remember it now. It was very strange; his memory seemed intact until high school and, from there on, he had many gaps. Some of them were almost whole years. And he didn't remember Jun. While Satoshi was in hospital, I mentioned several situations we lived together with Jun, without naming him at all, and he didn't seem to remember anything: not Jun, nor the things we lived with him. Of course, I wouldn't be the one reminding him of his existence.

  
After all, he had stolen Satoshi behind my back.

  
I helped my friend to hang all his clothes in the closets. He didn't want to use any other part of the house for his things, but I insisted he could use the whole apartment at will; while he was there, I wanted him to feel at home. When we finished, we were exhausted. He dropped on my sofa while I went to the kitchen and came back with two cans of cold beer. I gave him one, sitting next to him, and we toasted; for us, because he was healthy, for the beginning of his new life.

  
I left my beer on the living room table and lay back on the couch, turning to look at Satoshi. It was getting dark outside and we hadn't turned the lights on yet, so his face was a fascinating combination of shadows. I reached out for a blanket I always had on the back of the sofa. I unfolded it and covered his legs first, then covered mine.

  
"Thanks," he smiled.

  
"It's getting cold."

  
Satoshi nodded.

  
"And here we are, drinking cold beer," he commented, amusedly.

  
I chuckled with him.

  
"There's always a good excuse to have a cold beer."

  
"That's true!"

  
Satoshi raised his beer and took a long sip.

  
"By the way, there's something I want to show you," I said, standing up.

  
"What is it?"

  
"Wait here, I'll be back soon."

  
I could feel Satoshi's gaze following me as I disappeared down the hall, but he didn't complain. He stayed in the living room, waiting for me, as I asked him, even when I knew curiosity was killing him.

  
I took a little longer than necessary, on purpose.

  


  


  
**OHNO**

December 8th, 2010

17:17H

  
When Sho came back to the living room, I didn't know whether to laugh or die of love.

  
He was holding that old stuffed squirrel in his hands and showed it to me as if it were a trophy. It was practically the same as in my memories: it held a book between its front legs and wore old-style glasses that gave it an intellectual air. Sho's parents had given it to him during a trip to London when he was six years old, and he took it to school during all our elementary years so that Marin-kun wouldn't feel lonely.

  
"Seki-chan!" I exclaimed, finally choosing to laugh, softened by the gesture.

  
"Shakespeare also wants to say hello to Marin-kun."

  
Sho didn't bring only Seki-chan. He stopped by the bedroom where I left my things and took Marin-kun, so he had a stuffed squirrel in one hand and a stuffed fish in the other. I couldn't help laughing at the image, while he sat next to me on the couch. I took Seki-chan off his hands, which freed him enough to be able to cover himself again with the blanket we shared.

  
"You're still as handsome as ever," I told the squirrel, poking at his nose.

  
Sho laughed.

  
"He got ready for the occasion; he knew you and Marin-kun would come today."

  
"Ah! So he cheated, this little rascal."

  
Sho laughed again.

  
I turned to him and felt like I could spend the rest of my days there, almost in the dark in his living room. Despite the weak light coming through the window, I could see his eyes shining as he absentmindedly played with Marin-kun's fins. I moved my feet to shift my position under the blanket, unable to stop looking at him, and brushed his feet unintentionally.

  
A chill ran down my spine.

  
Sho looked at me as if I was something beautiful and we were alone. In his house. How many times had I dreamed about that? How many times had I longed to be so close to him in the darkness? And the best thing was that the best part, the one in which he kissed me and I melted under his touch, was still to come.

  
Come on, Sho.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_December 8th, 2010_

_17:29H_

  
Satoshi was beautiful.

  
The most beautiful thing in my life.

  
I would've kissed him right then, while he held my old squirrel in his lap, if it wasn't because I knew it wouldn't be fair. Although he didn't remember Jun, I did remember him and I knew they were still a couple, as they had been for the past nine years. It wasn't me who Satoshi loved, and it wasn't right to take advantage of his state of confusion. I could lie to Jun. I could make up a death, if necessary, but I could never take advantage of Satoshi.

  
Even when I was dying to touch him.

  


  


  
**OHNO**

_December 8th, 2010_

_17:30H_

  
Sho.

  
I'm ready.

  
Kiss me.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_December 8th, 2010_

_17:30H_

  
Satoshi licked his lips.

  
I thought I would go crazy.

  
I dropped Marin-kun as if it were burning and suddenly got up from the sofa. I immediately turned the lights on, with a thud. Satoshi shielded his eyes and blinked several times, trying to adjust to the sudden brightness.

  
"What would you like to have for dinner?" I asked, my heart still racing inside my chest. "Is there something you can't eat?"

  
Satoshi stretched out his legs, taking the place where I had been sitting.

  
"I can eat everything," he sighed.

  
"Okay, then... What do you think about a pizza? I have homemade frozen dough. I can take it out the freezer and thaw it in a minute."

  
"Sounds good."

  
His tone sounded disinterested, as if he was tired of eating homemade dough pizza every day. When I looked at him, he was sitting with his legs fully extended, his back resting against the armrest of my sofa and his head resting on the large cushion that was the backrest. His eyes were lost as he fiddled with one of Seki-chan's hind legs.

  
"Are you okay?" I asked, worried. "Do you feel upset?"

  
"What?" he looked at me as if I had just awakened him from a dream. "Oh, no. Nothing hurts; I'm fine. Don't worry."

  
"Are you sure?"

  
Satoshi nodded in silence.

  
"Okay. I'm going to make dinner, then," I forced a smile. "If you don't feel like being here alone, you can come with me."

  
"I think I'll stay here, with my beer," he grabbed his can and took a sip of it.

  
I nodded as my only answer and left the living room.

  


  


  
**OHNO**

_December 8th, 2010_

_17:33H_

  
Of course, he wouldn't kiss me.

  
What was I thinking about?

  
He didn't kiss me in more than twenty years. It was true I had problems with my memory, but I'm sure I wouldn't forget something like that. For me, a kiss from Sho wasn't just any memory. It was like the day a king takes the throne, like the day when young people celebrate their coming of age, like the first time your parents allow you to go out at night: a day to remember.

  
But it would never happen.

  
Sho loved me. He loved me very much. I was sure of that. But he didn't want me. He saw me as his childhood friend, as a brother, not as someone to kiss. I had just handed it to him on a silver plate and he got up as if the sofa was burning. Without needing to say anything, he made it clear that I wasn't attractive to him. And it hurt. It hurt as if someone had sunk his hand into my chest and ripped out my heart. I should be used to it, after all this time.

  
After so many years.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_December 8th, 2010_

_17:33H_

  
I kneaded that pizza dough so much that my fingers ended up hurting.

  
I couldn't get rid of the image of Satoshi, practically in the dark in my living room, his feet brushing against mine and his lips parted. I was about to jump on him. I needed all my self-control not to do it and, even so, when I turned the light on, I was about to go back to the couch next to him. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and kiss his lips. Kiss him until the muscles in my face ached. But I couldn't do something like that.

  
Satoshi wasn't for me.


	8. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**OHNO**

_December 10th, 2010_

_1:23H_

  
That shadow was there again.

  
It was a dark silhouette, faceless, taller than me, that seemed to stare at me while I begged it to leave. However, it didn't seem to be listening. It still stood there and, little by little, began to approach me. I backed away, in tears, until I came across a wall behind me that kept me from moving away. Then, that dark silhouette reached out and grabbed my wrist. I screamed and cried even more strongly.

  
When I opened my eyes, I was in my bedroom at Sho's house.

  
My face was wet, because of the tears I shed in my sleep, and I was out of breath. I sat on the bed and rubbed my eyes, wiping my cheeks, trying to calm down and breathe normally.

  
I had been sleeping uneasily for several days.

  
Before moving to Sho's house, I had some senseless nightmares in the hospital. I saw loose images, without any coherence, and I always had the feeling that someone wanted to keep me away from Sho, but it was just that: a feeling. As soon as I woke up, it disappeared. However, things got worse since I left the hospital; images became more intense and the feeling of someone wanting to separate me from Sho took the shape of that dark silhouette.

  
That night wasn't the first time he grabbed my wrist.

 

  


  
_December 13th, 2010_

_00:41H_

  
Sho and I were in a park.

  
"Satoshi, I love you," he said in an almost pleading voice. "Please don't leave. Don't leave me. I love you."

  
I didn't reply.

  
I turned around and walked away from him, holding hands with a faceless person.

  
The anxiety I felt when I pulled away from Sho was so real that it woke me up, among gasps. I thought my heart would jump out of my chest. I swallowed hard, trying to get rid of that uncomfortable dry mouth, but it didn't work, so I got up and walked stealthily to the kitchen, where I poured myself a glass of water.

  
Another nightmare

  
Now they happened every night.

  
Sometimes, I even had several nightmares on the same night.

  
The doctor told me it was normal, since I lost part of my memory after the accident and, according to his words, my mind had begun to try filling in the gaps with real or invented images. He advised me to ignore what I saw in those nightmares, because it was probably nothing else than a product of my imagination, but everything felt so real that it was hard for me to ignore.

  


  


  
_2:14H_

  
That faceless person was there again.

  
However, this time I could tell he was a man, because of the sound of his voice when he spoke. He was no longer disproportionately tall, as he used to be before, but he was taller and thinner than Sho, and his voice was deeper. Instead of grabbing my wrist, as he always did, he held my face in his hands, gently.

  
"Everything will be fine," he whispered, kissing my forehead.

  
I cried in despair and felt an unbearable pressure in my chest as that man gently held my hand and, once again, took me away from Sho.

  
I struggled to go back.

  
I didn't want to leave Sho.

  
It made me upset.

  
It hurt me.

  
I couldn't breathe.

  
I woke up startled and sweaty, gasping, my face soaked in my own tears, that kept rolling down my cheeks. I tried to breathe normally again while I wiped them away, as I always did after waking up crying in the middle of the night, but it didn't work this time. The tears didn't stop rolling and my breathing didn't normalize.

  
After a few seconds sitting on the edge of my bed, I still couldn't calm down. Thinking about going back to sleep filled me even with more anxiety, because it meant I could have that nightmare again, and who knows if the intensity of the images and feelings wouldn't be even worse this time around. If that happened, I wouldn't be able to stand it.

  
I would go crazy.

  
I got up, opened the door of my bedroom and walked down the hall. When I arrived at Sho's bedroom, I found out he had left his door open. The light of the moon slipped through his curtains. I peeked in and saw him peacefully sleeping, oblivious to what I had lived.

  
Almost without realizing, my body began to move, walking towards his bed. I quietly slipped under his sheets and lay down beside him, though I didn't touch him. I was dying to get close to him and cuddle in his arms, but I knew it wasn't fair to do it while he was asleep. At that moment, Sho moved in his sleep and, as if he had read my mind, he put his arms around me, pulling me close to him. As if he knew I desperately needed to feel him close.

  
I cuddled against his chest and closed my eyes.

  
If Sho was with me, everything would be fine.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_2:27H_

  
Every night, I left my door open, in case he needed me.

  
I heard him screaming every night, crying, waking up and going back to sleep. I always stayed in my room, because I wanted him to be the one deciding if he needed me. That night was especially hectic for him; I heard him waking up to drink some water hours before and then he woke up again, screaming and sobbing.

  
My heart sank.

  
I was dying to get up and run to hug him. To lie down beside him, to calm him down and promise him everything would be fine, because I wouldn't allow anything or anyone to hurt him. However, I was aware of how stupid it sounded, since I couldn't protect him from his nightmares. I couldn't promise he wouldn't have them again. I couldn't even comfort him, because it would be like taking advantage of his weakness, even more than I was already doing.

  
I never thought he would be the one coming to lie next to me.

  
I was ready for him to come wake me up, looking for my company or a friend who could listen to him while he vented out, but I never imagined he would come looking for my warmth in the middle of the night. I decided to pretend I was still asleep, so that things would be less awkward for both of us, and I allowed him to take from me what little I could offer. I would give him more, if I could.

  
I would give him everything he needed, if it was in my power.

  


  


  
**OHNO**

_7:11H_

  
When I opened my eyes, Sho was gone.

  
I looked around and blushed as I remembered how I had sneaked into his room during the night. I was so afraid of having nightmares again that I allowed myself to listen to my heart, and ended up where I was now: in Sho's bed.

  
I could still remember his arms around me.

  
I sighed and got up slowly, even though I knew there was no one in the apartment, and walked down the hall to the kitchen to make my breakfast. Sho had left a note on the table, apologizing for leaving so early. I smiled as a bunch of butterflies madly fluttered in my stomach.

  
He was always so attentive.

  


  


  
_December 16th, 2010_

_17:53H_

  
Little by little, I went back to work.

  
My boss knew my situation and agreed when I asked him to allow me going to work just a few hours a day during the first days. Doctor told me it would be good if I started living a normal life little by little, but I still had pay attention to any sign my body could give me; if I felt the slightest dizziness, I should go straight to the hospital.

  
The first day, Sho walked me to the aquarium. He wanted to take me by car, but I asked him to take the train or the subway, because I couldn't remember the way to my working place and I wanted to learn it again as soon as possible. I couldn't depend on Sho for the rest of my life. He tried to walk me inside the building, but my manager told him that only workers were allowed to enter. Even so, my friend didn't feel at ease until one of my colleagues, who introduced himself as Aiba Masaki, promised to help me and keep an eye on me.

  
Even though I had been working in that place for almost three years, I was learning everything again. Aiba patiently explained me all my tasks and took care of me, making sure everything went well. When I finished my shift, I called Sho, as he asked me to do. He offered to pick me up, but I insisted on going back by myself. I wanted to get used to that route I would have to repeat every day.

  
"Satoshi!" Sho ran to the entrance of his apartment when he heard me.

  
" _Tadaima_ ," I greeted him with a smile, taking my shoes off.

  
"I was worried," he said. "I was about to call you."

  
"Well..." I replied, blushing a little. "I got lost. I missed my stop and had to take a train back."

  
He looked relieved after hearing my explanation.

  
"I thought something was wrong."

  
"Sorry, I didn't want to worry you," I smiled, still feeling embarrassed. "You know, I remembered some things in the aquarium."

  
"What did you remember?"

  
"The seal pools."

  
"The seal pools?" he chuckled.

  
I nodded as we walked into the living room.

  
"As soon as I stepped on them, I remembered I had been there before, but I didn't remember how to feed the seals or how I used to clean them."

  
"Give yourself a break, Satoshi," he asked me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  
"Yeah," I sighed. "I guess it's a matter of time."

  
"Hey, are you hungry? I bought a lot of things."

  
Food. The perfect thing to distract me.

  
Sho knew me too well.

  
"What did you buy?" I asked, thrilled.

  
"Prawns and vegetables to make some _tenpura_."

  
" _Tenpura_!" I exclaimed, excitedly.

  
Sho laughed, amused, and winked at me.

  
"I'll go make dinner, then."

  
"I'll help you," I offered right away.

  
"No, no, you stay here."

  
He forced me to sit down, placing a cushion on one end of the sofa and tapping it, as if telling me to lie down. I looked at him for a few seconds, among surprised and hesitant, but ended up lying my head on the cushion. He put my feet up on the other end of the sofa, and smiled warmly as he covered me with a blanket.

  
"You need to rest," he said, adopting a motherly tone. "You've been out for a whole day after a long time. You need to recover."

  
"But it isn't fair that you do it all."

  
"You'll help me later, after you're recovered. It's not good for you to start doing everything at once."

  
I sighed, resigned.

  
"Okay."

  
If something I had learned after all those years of friendship, it was that arguing with Sho when he took on the motherly role was useless. I chuckled to myself, and when he went to the kitchen, I turned the television on and watched the fishing channel.

  


  


  
_22:13H_

  
After dinner, Sho allowed me to help him clean the table.

  
We chatted while taking the dirty dishes to the kitchen, where I washed them and he dried them. When I gave him the last dish left in the sink, I realized it was time to go to bed and a chill ran down my spine. After that night when I quietly sneaked into his bed, I had been sleeping alone, spending more than half of my nights awake. I knew I couldn't go on like that. I needed to rest, but the only way to sleep through the whole night was sleeping with him, and I didn't know if he would like it.

  
After all, I was just his friend.

  
"Satoshi," he said, suddenly making a serious face. "I know you probably already know this, but... if there's anything you may need..." he turned to me. "You can ask me, okay?"

  
My heart stopped in my chest.

  
Had he read my mind?

  
"I have this habit of sleeping with my door open," he explained, sounding embarrassed. "I heard you waking up some nights."

  
I turned to him.

  
"I'm sorry," he apologized, looking away. His cheeks became a bright shade of red. "I'm really not spying on you, I-"

  
"Sho," I interrupted him.

  
He looked at me, shyly.

  
"What?" he asked, almost in a small voice.

  
"Do you mind if I sleep with you? I think I'd feel better."

  
Sho left the dish he was holding in its place, dried his hands with the same cloth he had been using to dry the dishes, and looked at me, with a smile on his lips. I could swear he even looked proud, after hearing my request.

  
"My bed is yours," he replied.

  
I laughed.

  
"You know what I mean," he blushed. "Don't think badly."

  
"I could never think badly of your pure intentions," I laughed again.

  
"Maybe sleeping with Marin-kun would serve you right."

  
Sho placed his hands on his hips, but he laughed too.

  
If he only knew that I wanted his intentions not to be so pure, we wouldn't have laughed like we did that night, nor would we have been able to sleep together like we did from then on.

  
I guess that, in the end, it was better if he didn't know.


	9. Intruder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**JUN**

_December 22nd, 2010_

_16:14H_

  
Through the glass of the cafeteria, I watched him walk.

  
There was a time when I hated him. Always so polite, always so kind, always so perfect. Always next to Satoshi. My teenage heart didn't understand the existence of someone like him while I was just a bag of hormones with crooked teeth, trying to fight against an oily skin that threatened acne every second. It wasn't fair he was always so bright. It wasn't fair Satoshi only had eyes for him.

  
Over time, I realized how ridiculous I was. Sho wasn't to blame for my complexes. He had always been nice to me, he never had a bad gesture, even though I knew at first he didn't like the idea of me joining his group of friends. I know that, if he accepted me during those early years, it was just out of respect for Satoshi. However, things calmed down between us. After Satoshi agreed to go out with me, I started to see Sho in a different way, because it was then I realized I hadn't been fair to him.

  
Used to having that friendly but distant relationship with him, it wasn't easy for me to change the routine between us. I knew I wasn't Sho's favorite person either, but the truth was that he had always been there when I needed him. It's not like I relied on him that much, but he was the one I turned to when Satoshi and I had the accident, and he took care of the two of us all the way while I was hospitalized and Satoshi was living his last days. The only thing I could feel for Sho was gratitude.

  
"Hi," he greeted me with a warm smile, placing his cup of coffee on the table. "It's really cold today, right?"

  
I nodded as he took off his coat and hung it on the back of his chair. He sat down and immediately placed his hands around his cup, letting the liquid heat them through the pottery. I remembered him doing that thing since we were teenagers and he didn't drink coffee yet, only tea because his mother told him no caffeine until college. I smiled thinking that, at that age, only Sho would follow his mother's orders when she wasn't seeing.

  
"It's been a while since I've seen you smile," he said, staring at me.

  
I sat up straight in my chair.

  
"I was thinking of you."

  
"Of me?" he raised an eyebrow, surprised.

  
"Yes," I pointed at his hands around the cup. "Did you know you've been doing that thing since I know you? It brings back good memories."

  
He looked down at his own hands and giggled.

  
"Habits, I guess," he shrugged and looked back at me. "I see you in good spirits, can it be?"

  
"I have my ups and downs," this time it was me who shrugged.

  
"I'm glad to see you smiling, at least."

  
I simply nodded.

  
"Seriously," he insisted. "You have me worried, Jun."

 

  


  
**SHO**

_16:21H_

  
Hypocrite.

  
You're going to hell for this, Sho.

  


  


  
**JUN**

_16:21H_

  
I sighed and crossed my legs.

  
"I'm sorry," I glanced down at my mug, placed in front of me on the table. "It's not easy. Sometimes I feel better, but most of the time I can't stop thinking. Everything reminds me of him."

  
"I know. It's the same for me."

  


  


  
**SHO**

_16:22H_

  
The difference was I had Satoshi by my side.

  
Every day.

  
Every morning.

  
Every night.

  


  


  
**JUN**

_16:22H_

  
I looked up and stared at him.

Sho was exhausted. I had lost my partner, but he had lost his best friend, the one who had been by his side since he was three years old. I knew the hard time he was going through, and even so, he was the one who took care of everything back when I didn't even have the strength to leave my house. He was the one who had to go through the whole mourning process, practically by himself, because I was too devastated as to even function.

  
"I'm going back to Sapporo," I said.

  
Sho looked at me, surprised, and frowned.

  
"Are you sure?"

  
"Yes. I need to leave Tokyo."

  
He nodded, even though he didn't seem to understand it.

  
"Do you have a date?"

  
"Not really. When I still had the cast on my leg, I was looking forward to getting rid of it and leaving as soon as possible, but then I realized I can't show up at my parents' the way I am now. My mother would be very worried and she already has enough with my father's condition."

  
Sho nodded again.

  
"How is your father doing?" he asked.

  
"Better. Doctors said that if he leads a quiet life, he will be fine, but my mother is afraid he might suffer a new attack," I grabbed my mug and took a sip of my coffee. "Truth is this is another reason why I want to leave: I want to be by my father's side and help my mother as much as I can."

  
Sho took a sip of his coffee as well.

  
"This is all very sudden, but if you think you're going to be better there than here, go ahead," he encouraged me. "Although, I'll miss you here."

  


  


  
**SHO**

_16:25H_

  
It wasn't a lie.

  
For once, since Satoshi woke up, I wasn't lying.

  
I was really worried about him. I put myself in his place and could imagine what it was like to lose the person you love. More than anything, because I had lived it too, even if it was in a different way.

  


  


  
**JUN**

16:26H

  
I would miss him too.

  
I couldn't believe my heart ached at the thought of never seeing Sho again. So many years wishing to lose sight of him. So many years being jealous of his relationship with Satoshi. So many years seeing him as my rival. So many years of cold and distant gestures between us that now became good memories and made my eyes blurry.

  
The damn Sho was endearing.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_18:53H_

  
That afternoon, I went home early.

  
After taking a break of half an hour to have a coffee with Jun, I wasn't able to focus on my work again, so I decided to call it a day and wait for Satoshi at home. For once, I would arrive earlier than him, so I thought I could use the chance to have dinner ready when he arrived.

  
I stopped by the supermarket and bought the ingredients to make omuraisu since it wasn't too complicated and I knew Satoshi loved it, but I couldn't stop thinking about my conversation with Jun. I expected him to want to go back to Sapporo at some point, since he thought that Satoshi had died and, anyway, he already planned to move there before the accident. What I didn't expect was that hearing that decision would affect me as it did. I had come to love him more than I expected and my guilty feeling didn't make things easier.

  
When I reached my apartment, I left my keys in the little cupboard in the genkan, I took off my shoes and put on my slippers. I dragged my feet to the kitchen and left the supermarket bags on the table, but instead of taking everything out to start cooking, I turned around and headed to the living room. There, I stared at one of the drawers of the glass cabinet I had next to my television, and then I glanced at my wristwatch.

  
Seven o'clock.

  
I still had an hour before Satoshi arrived home.

  
I slowly walked to the cabinet, bent down and opened the drawer, revealing my old photo albums. I used to have them on the shelves before, next to my books, but, since Satoshi was staying now at my place, I kept them inside that drawer to prevent him from seeing them. Thinking about it, what I was doing was despicable, but I was so afraid that, when seeing all those old pictures, Satoshi remembered Jun and left me to move to Sapporo with him that I was willing to do anything to try to avoid it.

  
Anything.

  
I picked one of the albums, the one that was marked with the year 1994, and sat on my couch. I placed it on my lap and opened it, turning the pages slowly, carefully staring at every picture. I could see Satoshi and me in all of them: at the pool, on the ice rink, in the park, at the baseball stadium cheering for the Giants. It was always he and I. There were just a very few pictures in which I was alone or with other people than Satoshi.

  
Until April of that year.

  
I had always been one with Satoshi since we were children, but one day, when we were fourteen years old, a nosy thirteen years old brat started attending our high school and shamelessly introduced himself to Satoshi, saying he wanted to be his friend.

  
That brat was Jun.

  


  


  
_April 3rd, 1994_

_12:42H_

  
Satoshi and I went to the cafeteria together, as we did every day.

  
We were waiting in line, with our trays placed on the long metal bar, moving when those before us had their food and left the queue to find a free place to sit.

  
"I don't like your new friend," I said, bluntly.

  
Satoshi chuckled, amused.

  
"Don't be like that, Sho. He's new around here; he doesn't know anyone."

  
"I know," I grumbled. "I understand that. What I don't understand is why he has to come with us. Aren't there any people in his class who want to be his friends?"

  
Satoshi chuckled again and shook his head.

  
"It's always hard for you to meet new people. I think he's a nice guy."

  
"Nice Guy?"

  
I couldn't help raising an eyebrow.

  
This time, Satoshi cracked up.

  
"Give him a chance," he asked me, still laughing.

  
I snorted, but Satoshi didn't stop giggling and I ended up smiling, almost against my will. I couldn't be angry when he was laughing like that, filling everything with his melodic laughter, lighting up everything with his bright eyes.

  
I just couldn't.

  


  


  
_December 22nd, 2010_

_19:47H_

  
I thought Jun was too shameless from the very beginning, but I gave in for Satoshi. If being Jun's friend was what he wanted, I accepted it. I would've done anything for him. Anything. If he asked me to climb Mount Fuji barefoot and then go down, I would've done it without blinking.

  
Against my wishes, Jun became an essential part of our group. He came everywhere with us, he ate with us in the cafeteria and even accompanied us on our way back home. It wasn't Satoshi and me anymore. Now it was Satoshi, Jun, and me. And I couldn't bear to have lost all those moments alone with my friend, in which we talked, shared our secrets and supported each other.

  
I have to admit that over time and years I realized that hating Jun wasn't worth it. He always tried hard to please me, although not as much as he tried to please Satoshi, and I paid him with a cold and distant attitude, but years made me realize no one deserved that kind treatment. I decided to give him a chance and truth is things weren't that bad; I got to see his good side and I even grew fond of him to the point that now I felt it would be weird not to meet him anymore, once he moved to Sapporo.

  
I closed the album and sighed as I checked my watch.

  
Satoshi was about to arrive.

  
I got up and placed the album back to its place, inside that drawer, together with the rest of albums, hidden. Hidden from Satoshi. I couldn't let him find them. Not yet. I couldn't let him remember Jun and lose him again.

  
Not yet.


	10. Odaiba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**OHNO**

_December 22th, 2010_

_20:07H_

  
I opened the door with a smile.

  
" _Tadaima_ ~," I said, announcing my arrival while taking off my shoes.

  
" _Okaeri_!" Sho answered from the kitchen.

  
I didn't bother to put on my slippers. I walked down the hall barefoot, taking my scarf off on my way and letting it fall, while holding a pamphlet that Aiba-chan gave me that afternoon. When I reached the kitchen, I looked at Sho, feeling excited.

  
" _Tadaima_ ," I repeated, almost in a whisper this time.

  
Sho had sent me a text a couple of hours ago, saying he would be home when I arrived, but I didn't believe it until I saw him there, chuckling at my second greeting. Usually, he worked until late and it was me who waited for him, with dinner ready.

  
" _Okaeri_ ," he replied, looking at me. "You didn't take off your coat yet?"

  
"I wanted to check you were really here."

  
He chuckled even more.

  
"Didn't I tell you I'd be home?" he pointed to the pan in front of him. "And I'm making dinner!"

  
"What is it?" I asked, approaching the pan to take a look inside.

  
" _Omuraisu_. I know you like it and it's simple enough to prepare so that my kitchen isn't in danger."

  
We laughed together at his comment.

  
A warm feeling, that felt very familiar, took over me as I watched his smiling face. Sho made me happy with his simple presence. He made me so happy that sometimes I felt my heart was about to explode inside my chest.

  
"Hey, Sho," I said, unbuttoning my coat. "Do you have any plans this Friday night?"

  
"This Friday?" he was thoughtful. "I have no plans, why?"

  
"Because it's Christmas Eve."

  
"Ah!" he seemed to realize it at that moment. "Well, I wasn't lucky enough to get a date," he laughed.

  
I handed him the pamphlet I was holding. Sho took it and read it carefully while I took off my coat, watching him expectantly. His eyes opened as he read the paper and his mouth formed something similar to a circle.

  
"Where did you get this?" he asked.

  
"Aiba-chan, my co-worker, gave it to me."

  
"Ah! I guess he's planning on going there with his girlfriend."

  
"I don't know," I shrugged. "But I was wondering if you would like to go."

  
Sho lowered the pamphlet and stared at me.

  
Judging by the intensity of his gaze, I think he was trying to read my expression.

  
"Go to Odaiba?" he asked, almost cautiously. "On Christmas' Eve?"

  
I nodded, feeling my cheeks burning.

  
"To watch the Christmas illumination. With me. If you feel like it."

 

  


  
**SHO**

_20:13H_

  
My brain exploded.

  
Was he asking me out?

  


  


  
**OHNO**

_20:13H_

  
I was dying of embarrassment.

  
I didn't pretend to ask him out since I knew he only saw me as a friend, but I did it. Getting carried away by the excitement of him being home so early, making dinner, and by all the expectations that Aiba-chan had caused in me that afternoon, talking nonstop about how beautiful the Christmas illumination in Odaiba was, I found myself asking Sho out. I was asking him to do what couples do on Christmas Eve; the two of us together. I wanted the earth to swallow me. If he rejected me, I would die right there.

  
"Satoshi," he started to say, slowly. He licked his lips. "I-"

  
He looked down at the pamphlet and frowned.

  


  


  
**SHO**

20:14H

  
It wasn't right to have a date with Satoshi.

  
I was dying to go out with him, take his hand and walk together under the blue and white lights. See the Rainbow Bridge next to him, sit down by the beach and watch the waves wetting the sand in front of that little show of lights that was Tokyo seen from Odaiba. To get close to him and warm his body. Tighten him in my arms and, maybe, if he allowed me to, kiss his lips.

  
But it wasn't right.

  
It wasn't right.

  


  


  
**OHNO**

_20:15H_

  
I sighed and smiled a bitter smile.

  
I don't know what I was thinking of. I don't know what I was expecting. After more than twenty years, it wouldn't be now when Sho decided he wanted me. He placed me in the friend zone a long time ago. As much as I wished with all my soul that my feelings for him were reciprocal, they weren't. He made it clear to me again and again.

  
"It doesn't matter," I said, in a small voice. "I shouldn't have said anything."

  
I turned around, my coat hanging on my arm, and walked to the hall. Why did I keep on hurting myself like that? I was sure there was no one as stupid as me on the face of the Earth. The eternal friend. The unwanted. The idiot in love with his best friend, living under his roof, sleeping by his side every night, always keeping distance.

  
I walked to the _genkan_ to pick up my scarf and then retraced my steps, walking past the kitchen, to head to my room. Maybe I should lock myself there forever and not come out again, after how I just embarrassed myself. Now Sho would feel uncomfortable around me and things would become awkward between us.

  
Great.

  
Just great, Satoshi.

  
"Satoshi."

  
Sho's voice mingled with my thoughts.

  
I stopped in my tracks and sighed, still with my back facing the kitchen, trying to calm down.

  
I had to bite the bullet.

  
"I would love to go with you," he said

  
My heart jumped.

  
I was expecting anything but that.

  
I turned around and saw him there, smiling, with bright eyes.

  
Was he serious? Did he want to go to Odaiba with me on Christmas Eve?

  
Without saying anything else, he disappeared back into the kitchen.

  
By then, my cheeks were burning again, but I didn't care. Nothing mattered to me. Sho had accepted my invitation and Friday would be magical. I didn't care if he didn't want me. I didn't care if he didn't see me in the same way I saw him. His words and his smile made me see things in a new light. I would make the most of that date, knowing it would probably be the first and the last one I would have with him.

  
On Friday, I would roll my last dice.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_December 24th, 2010_

_20:33H_

  
I checked the collar of my shirt in front of the mirror.

  
When Satoshi and I arrived from work that afternoon, I told him I wanted to change my clothes because I was still wearing my office suit, and he said he also wanted to take off those clothes that smelled of fish. As we made our way to our respective rooms, we reached an agreement: neither of us would go out until the other was ready. So, there I was, looking at myself for the third time in the mirror and wondering if he would like the clothes I had chosen.

  
I liked to think he was my partner that night.

  
"I'm ready!" he shouted from his room.

  
I smiled at my reflection.

  
"Me too!" I answered, loud enough so he could hear me.

  
The butterflies that had been fluttering in my stomach since Wednesday night went crazy and began to swirl. I was a sack of nerves, feeling like a teenager on his first date.

  
When I opened my door, Satoshi wasn't there.

  
His door was open, but I couldn't see him anywhere.

  
"Satoshi?" I called him.

  
"Are you out yet?"

  
I laughed. In part, because of my nerves.

  
"We go out together, okay?" he said. "When I count three."

  
"Fine."

  
Anything he said would be fine.

  
"One, two... Three!"

  
He left his room at the same time I left mine and looked him up and down. Satoshi used to wear jeans and T-shirts most of the time. Sometimes, in the warmer months, he would wear shorts, but I had never seen him wearing chinos until that moment. They were of a bluish shade, contrasting with the brown leather loafers he chose. On the top, he wore a light blue shirt, covered by a brown sweater, the same shade as his shoes. The shirt edges jutted out from under the waist of his sweater, and the cuffs also jutted out a bit. On his right arm, he carried a three-quarters coat of a blue shade, a little darker than his pants.

  
"You look..." he looked me up and down. "You look very elegant."

  
I cleared my throat, trying to regain my composure.

  
He was too handsome.

  
"You look very elegant too," I said, pointing to his pants. "Those pants look great on you."

  
"Really?" he looked at himself and then looked at me, smiling shyly. "They feel weird. I guess it's because I'm not used to them. By the way," he said, pointing to me, "Is that jacket new?"

  
I looked at my new and thick gray cardigan.

  
I had bought it just a few days ago and didn't have the chance to wear it yet. I thought that day was a good time to wear it for the first time, as it was a little more elegant than the rest of my jackets, but now, seeing him, impeccable, well combined, probably wearing all his clothes for the first time, I felt that my cardigan was too simple. Not to mention my black pants, which were at least two years old, and the bland white shirt I decided to wear under my jacket.

  
When did I think about wearing a white shirt?

  


  


  
**OHNO**

_20:42H_

  
I hoped Sho wouldn't notice the blush on my cheeks.

  
He was so handsome that I wanted to stay at home so that no one else could see him. Would he be aware of how much I liked him when you wore a cardigan? And that one looked great on him. In addition, he had the wisdom to choose the rest of his clothes simple to make it stand out even more. I thought I would die right there. Sho was wonderful.

Inside and outside.

  
And I was lucky he would go out with me that night.

  
I don't know if it was a date for him, but it was for me. I wanted to think that it was. I wanted to live that dream I had for so many years, even if it was just for a few hours. Although the next day everything would be the same and we would still be just friends. That night, Sho was mine.

  
We left the apartment and decided to go to Odaiba by car, because the trains were too busy and also, we wouldn't be forced to return, at the latest, on the last train. We walked together around the shopping centers of Daiba station, which paved streets were lit by blue and white lights, emulating snow and winter. In the center of the square in front of the station, as a special attraction, there was a beautiful Christmas tree made of lights and, in the background, you could see the Rainbow Bridge and Tokyo on the other side of the bay.

  
When we got tired of walking, we went down to the beach and sat on the edge of the wooden promenade, with our feet resting on the sand. Sho bought a couple of hot coffees at one of the vending machines next to the nearest shopping center, and we drank them in small sips as we watched that beautiful scene. There were just a few people since it was late, the last train left long ago, and it was cold. We warmed our hands around our coffee cans while we were captivated by that small red dot in the distance, which was the Tokyo Tower.

  
"This is..." Sho said, looking at the landscape with bright eyes. "I don't have words to describe it."

  
"Beautiful."

  
He looked at me.

  
"Beautiful doesn't do it any justice."

  
I turned to him and met his eyes.

  
They looked at me intensely, as if he weren't only talking about the landscape, or so I wanted to think. In the darkness of the night, where nobody could see us, where it was just the two of us, Sho and Satoshi, I placed my hand on his cheek and leaned towards him to kiss his lips with all the love I felt for him. With all the love I kept inside for so many years. With all that love that overflowed me. For one night, just for one night, I wanted to think he was really mine.

  
My Sho.


	11. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**SHO**

_December 25th, 2010_

_1:17H_

  
Thank God my coffee can was empty.

  
It fell off my hands as soon as I felt Satoshi's lips on mine. Was I dreaming? No, the warmth of his body against mine was too real. When I was finally aware it was really happening, Satoshi was kissing me, I got frozen, eyes wide open. Then, he moved closer to me and rested his free hand on my other cheek, taking my face in his hands to lengthen the kiss, and I finally reacted. I wrapped my arms around his body, laid my hands on his back and delicately stroked each inch while closing my eyes and kissing him back.

  
Now we were kissing.

  
The two of us.

  
Satoshi moved his lips over mine and I sighed, squeezing him tighter in my arms. I had been wishing for that moment for years. Years of yearning for him in silence, seeing how it was Jun who had his kisses, and now he was in my arms. If that was a dream, I didn't want to wake up.

  
I didn't want to wake up ever.

 

  


  
**OHNO**

_1:23H_

  
I didn't want to stop kissing Sho, but I needed to catch my breath.

  
I moved my lips away from his and, with my eyes still closed, I leaned my forehead against his. We both remained silent, trying to calm our agitated breathing. When I opened my eyes, he still had his eyes closed, and he was smiling. He was smiling like he did in my best memories as he kept hugging me, stroking my back as if I could break in his arms. I also smiled and moved my thumbs over his cheeks.

  
He was so beautiful.

  


  


  
**SHO**

_1:25H_

  
When I opened my eyes, Satoshi was staring at me.

  
He was smiling and his eyes sparkled. Those eyes that made me fall in love again and again. I don't know if my eyes were sparkling, but I began to smile even before our lips parted, and I couldn't stop now. I was so happy that I could've shouted it from the rooftops. Did I really have Satoshi in my arms? Had he really kissed me? I moved my hands on his back. It was very real. I felt the cloth of his coat on my fingers and his warm breath on my face.

  
Satoshi.

  
My Satoshi.

  


  


  
****OHNO** **

_1:28H_

  
After that first kiss, there were more kisses.

  
None of us said anything. We just let ourselves be carried away. We caressed each other, we kissed, we smiled to one another, and then we kissed again. I would've stayed there forever, in Sho's arms, but it was getting very late and the cold was beginning to numb our bones. We walked to his car holding hands, both of us respecting that non-agreed pact of silence that helped us avoiding to face the conversation we knew we needed to have. I guess he didn't know how to tell me he didn't really want me, and I was terrified of facing my unrequited feelings.

  
Sho drove silently and I didn't say anything either, sitting next to him. I didn't even look at him all the way to his apartment. I focused on the dark landscape I could see through the window, convincing myself I was enjoying the beautiful night view of Tokyo.

  
I was so afraid the magic could break.

  


  


  
****SHO** **

_1:57H_

  
When we entered my apartment, we took off our coats and shoes.

  
We didn't look at each other or say anything as we put on our slippers, and it was Satoshi who first climbed the _genkan_ step and walked down the hall. I followed him, almost on his heels, closely watching each one of his movements. Would he want to continue sleeping with me after we kissed until almost freezing next to the beach? I was dying to ask him, but I didn't dare to do it because I was afraid of his answer. I was terrified of him confirming everything had been a mistake and that, in fact, it was better if everyone slept in their own bed. Maybe he would even go back to his apartment the next morning to avoid having to trip on me at every corner of the house.

  
As we got closer to his bedroom, my heart beat faster. I knew I had to let him go, if he wanted to. I had to respect his decisions. After all, it had only been a few kisses. He had no commitment to me. Nothing tied him to me. However, I didn't want to spoil things between us. I didn't want that perfect night to end up becoming the beginning of an uncomfortable friendship.

  
When we reached the door of his bedroom, he stopped and reached for the knob to open it, but I didn't give him the chance to do so. I passed by, towards my own bedroom, subtly brushing my fingers against the lower part of his back, and looking over my shoulder with a knowing smile, inviting him to follow me. Maybe I was risking too much, but now that I had tasted his lips, I couldn't stop gambling all or nothing.

  
I had barely stepped inside my room when I heard his feet walking down the hall. He didn't make me wait. He took less than a minute to walk through my door and approach me, standing just a few centimeters from my face. I raised my hand and caressed his cheek, soft and warm. I knew it wasn't a dream, but I still thought it was.

  
Satoshi was a dream.

  
We shortened the small distance that separated us, and we kissed. We kissed as we awkwardly walked and reached my bed, where we fell down together, entangling our bodies. We kissed softly. We kissed passionately. We kissed each other with a thousand smiles and caresses.

  
We kissed so much that our lips ended up hurting.

  


  


  
****OHNO** **

_10:11H_

  
The sunlight streaming through the curtains woke me up.

  
I blinked, trying to get used to the brightness of the morning, and pulled the sheets up to cover myself, but something stopped me. An arm rested on me over the bedclothes. An arm I knew very well, even though I was still half asleep. I looked up and there he was: my friend, my partner in crime, the love of my life. I couldn't help but smile as I watched his serene expression. I was so glad of finally taking a step forward the night before. I was so glad I was brave, for once in my life. Now I realized I had been an idiot. I should've taken that step many years ago, though I wasn't even sure Sho felt anything for me. Maybe the previous night had been just a few kisses for him, but I felt it was worth it. At least, I had come to kiss him once in my life.

  
I pushed all those thoughts aside and decided I would enjoy the moment. It didn't matter how long it lasted, I wanted to enjoy every second, because maybe it would never happen again. Seeing Sho lying there, so relaxed by my side, I couldn't help but reach out and gently brush his bangs off his forehead. He looked calm, happy, and that made me feel happy too. Seldom had I had the chance to see him so relaxed.

  
He shifted and I stood still, almost holding my breath, hoping he wouldn't wake up yet. However, his eyelids began to move and he ended up opening them, lazily. I watched him as he frowned, due to the intense brightness of the morning light slipping through his window, and he turned to me. When he saw me, his expression became relaxed again, and a sleepy smile appeared on his lips.

  
"Good morning," he whispered, almost dragging his words.

  
He turned his body to me and held me tight in his arms, hiding his face in my neck. My heart raced in my chest. I was so happy that it felt like I would explode. I smiled too, although he couldn't see me, and reached out for his hair again. It felt so soft between my fingers.

  
"Merry Christmas," I whispered.

  
"Merry Christmas, Satoshi."

  
I didn't know how long that happiness would last, but he was my best gift.

  


  


  
****SHO** **

_December 27th, 2010_

_3:41H_

  
Satoshi slept peacefully by my side, snuggling against my body.

  
We never talked about what happened on Christmas Eve. We let ourselves get carried away by the situation, and followed the signs that the other gave, with or without intention. I had no idea what Satoshi's feelings were, but I guess that, somehow, we were together; we slept together, we hugged, we caressed each other, we kissed. We didn't call ourselves a couple because we didn't talk about it, and it seemed like none of us wanted to put any kind of tag to our relationship, but we acted like a couple.

  
And I felt so guilty that I couldn't sleep.

  
I moved slowly, so I didn't wake Satoshi up, and walked to the living room of my apartment. I sat down on the couch, propped my elbows on my knees and buried my head in my hands. What the hell was he doing? What had I become?

  
On one hand, I was so happy I still couldn't believe it. Satoshi kissed me every night when I came back home and every morning when I left for work; he snuggled against me on the couch, watching television; he fluttered around me while trying to teach me how to cook, and we practically shared all our free time. I never thought one day I would be living that situation I had dreamed of so many times, but in the bottom of my heart, I knew it was wrong. I told Jun that Satoshi was dead, and didn't tell Satoshi about Jun because I didn't want him to remember. I was awful. A despicable being. I was stealing my friend's boyfriend, without none of them being aware of what was really happening. What kind of wicked being did something like that?

  
"¿Sho?"

  
The living room of my house was dark, lit only by the light coming from the corridor, where Satoshi, my Satoshi, was standing under the threshold. When I turned to him, I made my best give him a smile, as if nothing happened. As if that guilty feeling wasn't eating me alive.

  
"Satoshi," I said, in the warmest tone I was able to adopt. "What are you doing awake?"

  
I glanced at the clock in my living room.

  
Four in the morning.

  
"I woke up and you weren't in bed," he told me, almost in a whisper.

  
I stood up and approached him, taking his hands in mine.

  
"I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep, so I came here because I didn't want to wake you up."

  
He let go of my hands and hugged me.

  
"I had a nightmare," he said, against my shoulder. "I've been having weird dreams since I was in the hospital, and it's becoming unbearable. I wake up restless, feeling anxious, uncontrollably crying. I can't understand. I don't understand what's wrong with me. The nightmares had stopped since I started sleeping with you, but tonight they were back."

  
I placed my arms around him, trying to give him some peace.

  
"There's a man. A tall, thin man who wants to take me away from you," he continued. "I never see his face, but he always appears in my nightmares and takes me with him. I fight to stay, but he always manages to drag me away from you. I think I'm going crazy, Sho."

  
I held him in my arms and stroked his hair, trying to calm him down.

  
"It's okay, Satoshi," I said, stroking his back. "You're awake now. Everything's fine."

  
He nodded and hugged me tighter.

  
I buried my face in his hair.

  
What if those nightmares were memories that started waking up?

  
I wasn't ready for Satoshi's memories to be back. Not yet. Not so early. We had been living together in my house for three weeks, they couldn't take him away from me so soon. I wouldn't be able to stand it. I would go crazy. I knew that at some point I had to tell him the truth, but I needed more time. Just a little longer.

  
Just a little longer.

.


	12. Despair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**SHO**

_January 7th, 2011_

_19:32H_

  
I couldn't stop punishing myself.

  
Jun was in pieces and, despite being the one causing his pain, I had the nerve to meet him, worry about him and even try to comfort him. If anyone knew what I was doing, they would think I was a despicable being, as I thought I was, but I put myself in Jun's shoes and I really felt bad. I could definitely imagine what it was like to lose the person you love. Mainly, because I had also lived that situation, even if it was in a different way.

  
I had always been one with Satoshi since we were kids, but one day, when we were fourteen, a cheeky boy started attending our school and introduced himself to Satoshi, saying he wanted to be his friend. That boy, named Jun, sneaked into our lives and, by when I realized, it was already too late. That nosy kid didn't only steal most of my time alone with Satoshi, but also began to blend with him.

  
Way too much for my liking.

 

  


  
_March 16th, 1997_

_10:13H_

  
Jun always talked about how much he missed Sapporo and how wonderful the landscape was there. He always complained there was too much pollution in Tokyo and people lived too fast; he used to say that nobody had the time to appreciate their surroundings. I kept hoping one day he would leave Tokyo, and Satoshi and I would be just Satoshi and me again. If I were lucky enough, Jun's parents would return to the north before than expected, and everything would be the same again. Satoshi would have eyes only for me and I would no longer have to endure the presence of that kid who put on airs.

  
That Sunday morning, shortly after my seventeenth birthday, Satoshi called me to go out for breakfast together. Without Jun. Of course, I happily accepted. We went to a coffee shop we both loved and I treated him to a full Western-style breakfast. After all, Satoshi and I hadn't been alone for a long time. For me, it was a time to celebrate.

  
"What are you planning to do during spring break?" I asked as I placed my tray on the table we had chosen and sat down on my chair.

  
Satoshi did the same and sat down in front of me.

  
"Truth is I didn't think about it yet," he replied, picking up a fork to try his scrambled eggs. "I wanted the three of us to go on a trip to the beach together if the weather is on our side, but I don't know if Jun is going to be in Tokyo."

  
"Is he planning any trip?" I asked politely, stirring my hot chocolate.

  
Satoshi shook his head and sighed.

  
"Maybe he'll go back to Sapporo this spring."

  
I almost dropped my spoon in surprise.

  
"What?" I said, trying to make sure I heard correctly.

  
"I talked to him yesterday afternoon and he said his parents are thinking of going back to Sapporo. His father is being transferred."

  
I couldn't believe it.

  
Out of respect for Satoshi, I had to restrain myself from jumping with joy, but I was exultant inside. At last! After two long years, the long-awaited moment was close. Jun would go back to his island and it would be as if he had never existed. Satoshi would rely only on me again and I wouldn't need to worry about those afternoons he spent alone with Jun.

  
My life would be perfect again.

  
"Wow!" I exclaimed, struggling not to laugh out loud with happiness, like a madman. "I didn't expect it. But I guess it's good news for him and his family; he's always complaining about how much he misses Sapporo and his life there."

  
"I thought so too," Satoshi stirred his tea. "I felt sad when he told me his family is thinking of leaving, but a part of me was happy for him because I thought he wanted to go back to Sapporo."

  
I frowned.

  
"Isn't it so?" I dared to ask.

  
I hoped Satoshi wouldn't notice the anxiety which had begun growing inside of me. He looked at me with a smile on his face and bright eyes, as if what he was about to say thrilled him.

  
"He is thinking about staying in Tokyo," he replied.

  
My heart stopped inside my chest.

  
When I thought everything would be perfect and my nightmare would come to an end, Jun had to spoil everything once again. Why did he want to stay in Tokyo? Wasn't he always complaining about the annoying Tokyo life? The happiness I felt when knowing his family was thinking of moving back to the north disappeared completely, and it gave way to frustration and anger.

  
Jun always spoiled everything.

  
"How comes?" I asked, in a small voice.

  
"He says he doesn't want to change schools in his senior year, because it would affect his studies, and he also wants to try to attend university here," Satoshi looked at me with enthusiasm reflected in his eyes. "Isn't it great, Sho?"

  
I slowly nodded, swallowing my bad mood.

  
"Yes, sure. Though I don't know how he plans to live here alone."

  
"He's going to talk to his parents and, well, there's you and me; we're his friends. We'll support him in whatever he needs, right?"

  
I could only nod again, still unable to believe what was happening.

  
I knew there was something else. I knew that Jun had more reasons than his studies to stay in Tokyo. He had come to be annoying talking so much about Sapporo and its fields, and now he decided to stay in Tokyo? It didn't make sense. I suspected Jun was hiding something, which made me like the situation even less. Especially, because I was almost certain that what Jun was hiding were his feelings for Satoshi.

  
Just two weeks later, Jun told us his final decision: he would stay in Tokyo. I had just been admitted to Keio University and Satoshi had found a part-time job, which he planned to keep after graduating. I knew our schedules would be incompatible from then on, so I liked even less the idea of Jun staying around, but I thought I could have everything under control. After all, the relationship between Satoshi and I had always been strong. I was convinced that preventing him from spending too much time with Jun would be easy if I did things right. And then, after my graduation, I would confess to him, as I had always planned.

  
My youth and my insecure nature held me back at that moment. I didn't dare to talk to Satoshi about my feelings because I wanted to offer him a stable relationship that would last forever, so I first needed to be able to offer him a security that, as a teenager, as a student living in my parents' house, I couldn't offer at the moment. By the time I finished my studies in Keio, I would be twenty-three, so I would have matured and would be able to talk to him clearly. I would tell Satoshi I had always been in love with him, and that now I had a degree and was old enough to consider myself an adult, I could try to offer him everything he deserved to make him happy.

  
But that day never came.

  


  


  
_December 8th, 2001_

_13:22H_

  
Jun had to get in my way again and ruin everything.

  
I clearly remember how thrilled I felt that Saturday morning when Satoshi invited me to have lunch at his place. My last winter in college turned out to be a little chaotic, filled with last year subjects I needed to pass in order to graduate, and projects and more projects. I hadn't had much time to spend with Satoshi, but every day I kept saying to myself that everything would be worth it in March when I graduated and could finally confess to him.

  
"Hi, Sho," he warmly greeted me at the entrance to his house, giving me a hug. I, of course, responded in the same way. I missed him so much. "Come in. Here, put on these slippers. Feel at home."

  
As I got rid of my warm clothes and made myself comfortable, I really felt at home. After the stress of the past few months, seeing Satoshi was like a breath of fresh air in my life. A break I urgently needed, like the air I breathed. We walked to his kitchen, where I offered him some help cooking or bringing things to his living room, and we caught up on our respective lives among dishes, pots, and pans. When we finally sat down to eat, I was too happy in my cotton cloud, enjoying his company, as to realize he'd been trying to tell me something.

  
I wish I'd been more observant.

  
"Sho," he said halfway through our meal. "There's something I have to tell you."

  
I looked at him. His face was serious, even though he tried to smile.

  
I frowned.

  
"What's wrong? Is it bad?"

  
"No. Not at all," he replied quickly. "But... It's important to me."

  
"Ah," I smiled. "What's important to you, it's important to me. You know that."

  
Satoshi nodded and the smile on his face widened, although he also made a gesture I didn't know how to read at that moment. I wish I had been more prepared. I wish I had seen reality and would've protected my heart before that lunch at Satoshi's place.

  
Jun took advantage of the fact that I was busy with university and that, in a way, I had let my guard down, to confess to Satoshi. He did it behind my back, without warning me, without saying anything. He called him, took him to Ueno on a date, and told him how he felt when he escorted him back home.

  
My world fell apart upon hearing that.

  
I felt so much pain in my chest that breathing became difficult.

  
I cringed over myself and became smaller and smaller as Satoshi talked until I felt tiny. It was late. I had only tried to wait for the right moment in our lives when everything was stable and Satoshi and I were adults, and we could consider a real serious relationship, but Jun had been cheekier and went ahead of me. He stole my Satoshi, the only person I had loved in my almost twenty-two years of life, and probably the only person I would love in the years I had left. Even if he didn't love me, I would never be able to feel for anyone else what I had been feeling for him for almost twenty years.

  
Jun had always been very obvious, both in his actions and his words. The little time the three of us spent together was filled with Jun's glances to Satoshi, and with Satoshi feeling uncomfortable. Until that moment, I thought it was because Satoshi didn't share Jun's feelings, but at that table, I realized I was the one causing his discomfort.

  
Satoshi would've preferred I wasn't there with them.

  


  


  
_January 7th, 2011_

_19:54H_

  
AI had to put up with it for nine years.

  
Nine damn years of kisses and caresses in front of me. Of knowing smiles and gestures I wanted for myself. My heart ached every time I saw them together, and I wanted to scream. Scream with pain, with despair, but also with love. I wanted to yell at Satoshi that I wanted him, to please stop torturing me and come back to me. I wanted to feel how he looked at me in that special way again, as he did before he started his relationship with Jun and that I was the only one for him. I couldn't stand another man being the center of his life. It hurt so much that I had come to think about moving several times, but I had never been able to. Even if I had to see him with Jun, I always ended up preferring to be close to Satoshi, just like his friend, rather than never seeing him again.

  
Without Satoshi, I didn't know how to live.


	13. Omamori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>   
>  _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics._

**OHNO**

_January 27th, 2011_

_2:21H_

  
The same nightmare repeated every day.

  
It'd been a month and a half since I moved to Sho's house, and that horrible dream kept tormenting me. It stopped for a few days when I started sleeping with Sho, but now it hadn't only returned, but it had become more intense. That tall, thin man appeared, whispered things I couldn't hear, hugged me, sometimes he even kissed me, and he always ended up taking my hand to drag me with him. I always fought to stay with Sho. Sometimes I even started crying before the man appeared, and I tried to run when I saw him coming, trying to get away from him, but he always caught me and kept me away from my boyfriend.

  
My boyfriend.

  
Sho and I didn't talk about our relationship since Christmas Day, but we both knew there was no need to do so. We both knew how things worked between us, and that was what mattered. We were together. Sho and I. After so many years of thinking my love was unrequited. I still couldn't believe it. There were times when I would stare at him, wondering if everything was real. His kisses, his caresses, his smiles. Everything was like a dream. A dream I never wanted to wake up from.

  
Even when I had those nightmares, I felt good the moment I opened my eyes, because he was by my side. I looked for the warmth of his arms and the feeling of his fingers running through my hair. I liked it, it made me feel good, it soothed my soul. Sho and I had no intimacy except kisses, hugs, and caresses, since I was still recovering and I felt exhausted at the end of the day, and he said he didn't want to force things between us. We both agreed that it would happen when it had to happen, when we both felt ready and comfortable. We weren't in a hurry and I liked that feeling of understanding each other so well.

  
The simple fact of having him by my side brought peace back to my heart.

  
That night, for no apparent reason, my dreams began to change. After weeks of dreaming the same thing, again and again, that night I was sitting on a park bench. It was daytime, although the street lights were starting to light up, and the wind was cold. I was wearing a coat and a scarf to hide my nose and my mouth, trying to protect myself from the freezing air. Someone came over and handed me a cup of hot coffee, which I immediately accepted. I placed my hands around the paper cup, allowing the heat warming up my hands, and I smiled, looking up at the person who had brought it. I couldn't see his full face. I could only see his lips, embellished by two moles, one to the left side of his upper lip and one below his lower lip, right in the middle. And I could see his eyes: dark, intense, deep, delineated by long dark lashes. That look pierced through me and made my heart beating so fast that I woke up, feeling startled.

  
Unlike other nights, I wasn't crying, but I felt terribly uneasy. My breathing was fast and my forehead was covered by a thin layer of cold sweat. I placed my hand on my chest, feeling my heart pounding, and I closed my eyes trying to calm down. I took a deep breath a couple of times, swallowed hard and got up quietly, so as not to wake up Sho. My throat was dry as if I hadn't drink in days, so I walked to the kitchen. I opened the tap, filled a glass with some water and gulped it down before leaving it in the sink. Then, I rested my hands on the countertop and closed my eyes, still thinking about that dream.

  
"A nightmare?"

  
I turned around, startled.

  
Sho was standing under the kitchen doorway, frowning.

  
I nodded.

  
"But it was different this time," I said.

  
I sighed and leaned against the counter, feeling exhausted.

  
"Different?" he asked, approaching me. "What do you mean?"

  
When he reached me, I place my arms around his body and rested my head against his chest. He entangled his fingers in my hair and gently kissed my head. I smiled and sighed, feeling relieved.

  
My heart felt much lighter now that Sho was with me.

  
"I was sitting on a park bench and someone brought me a cup of coffee," I replied.

  
"Was he the man who always keeps you away from me?"

  
I could feel the disgust in his voice.

  
"I don't know," I admitted. "I could only see his mouth and his eyes."

  
Sho played with his fingers in my hair.

  
"Could you recognize him?"

  
I shook my head and leaned my chin on his chest, looking at him.

  
"Do you know if I know someone with moles around his mouth?"

  
"Moles around his mouth?" he chuckled. "What kind of question is that?"

  
"The person in my dream had two moles in his mouth, one here and one here," I said, pointing to the exact places where I had seen the moles. "He also had an intense look and long eyelashes."

  
Sho looked thoughtful.

  
"I don't know anyone like that," he looked down at me. "Maybe it's someone in your job?"

  
"I would've recognized him. Even when I couldn't see his face, his features were very characteristic."

  
"Well, I don't know, Satoshi. We've been together since kindergarten and I don't remember anyone under that description. Maybe it was just a dream and that person doesn't exist."

  
I thought about it.

  
"Yeah... maybe... But he was so real..."

  
Sho chuckled and kissed my forehead.

  
"Dreams are like that. Sometimes, you can almost touch them."

  
I chuckled with him and blushed a little.

  
"You're right. What a nonsense..."

  
He kissed my cheek and held me tight in his arms.

  
"Do you want to go back to bed? Or do you feel wide awake?"

  
"I'm somehow sleepless, but I'm also tired."

  
"Let's go back to bed, then. Even if you don't fall asleep right away, at least you'll be lying down and resting."

  
I nodded and followed him back to his bedroom, holding his hand. Sho fell asleep almost immediately. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop thinking about that dream. Maybe my boyfriend was right and that person didn't exist, but something told me I'd seen him somewhere before. I didn't know where or when, but those features didn't feel new to me. Maybe my subconscious was trying to show me something.

 

  


  
_10:43H_

  
I made the most of my morning off and I took it easy.

  
I woke up a little late, because I had struggled to get back to sleep after that nightmare, and had breakfast without any hurry. I wasn't fully recovered yet, and having those nightmares that didn't allow me to rest wasn't helping me; I felt really tired.

  
After taking a shower and tidy up the house a little, I decided to visit my apartment to pick some of my stuff. I wasn't planning to stay long, but in the end, I spent the whole morning there. When I realized, it was almost two in the afternoon and I hadn't had lunch yet. I walked to the _genkan_ , where I previously left a travel bag with all my things inside, and got ready to leave my house, when a small purple object caught my attention. It was hanging beside a set of spare keys I kept next to the door.

  
It was an _omamori_.

  
I reached out and traced the silhouette of the temple embroidered on the fabric with the tips of my fingers. It was impossible not to recognize it. It was Kinkakuji, one of the most famous and beautiful temples in Kyoto city, but it wasn't the beauty of the temple which caught my attention. The moment my eyes noticed the little souvenir, something woke up in my mind and I clearly saw the face of a person. A man. A man with long lashes and an intense gaze, whose lips were embellished by two unmistakable moles.

  
The man in my nightmares.

  
And I saw myself in Kyoto, visiting Kinkakuji next to him.

  
Feeling dazed, I took that _omamori_ and left my apartment to head towards the train station. Who was that man? Why did I go to Kyoto with him? This time, I wasn't sleeping when I remembered him. That man was real. Why didn't Sho know him, then? He had always been in my life, as far as I could remember. How could it be there was someone as close to me as to travel to Kyoto together, and Sho didn't know of his existence?

  
When I arrived at Sho's apartment, I left my bag in the _genkan_ and the _omamori_ on top of it. My head was a whirlwind of unanswered questions. I wanted to talk to Sho, but I didn't have time. My shift started at three-thirty, and I still needed to have lunch and get to Ikebukuro. I decided to leave the house, buy something in a _konbini_ on my way to work, and have lunch in the locker room, before I started my shift.

  


  


  
_16:17H_

  
I couldn't stop thinking about that man.

  
He was the man of my nightmares, but he was also the man of my memories on a trip to Kyoto. So, he didn't want to keep me away from Sho? Actually, I had no more memories of that man. I only had the feelings caused by nightmares that weren't real. Or maybe they were? The more I tried to think, the more confused I was.

  
Nothing made sense.

  
"Are you okay?"

  
Aiba-chan, my co-worker, looked at me, worriedly.

  
"Yes," I tried to smile. "Why?"

  
"You didn't say anything in the whole afternoon. You didn't even answer when I asked you a question, a while ago," he frowned, though he didn't look angry.

  
Actually, he looked sad.

  
"I'm sorry. I..."

  
Aiba-chan was a nice guy. He was kind, attentive and cheerful. I liked working with him, but I wasn't sure if I should tell him about what happened that morning. Then, I remembered the conversation with Sho during the last night in the kitchen, in which he told me that maybe the man in my nightmares could be a co-worker and, for a moment, I saw it clear: maybe Aiba-chan had the answers I was looking for. I chose to tell him about my dream while we cleaned the seal pool, and I described the memories that _omamori_ had awakened, feeling hopeful. If that man worked with us at the aquarium, it made sense Sho didn't know him and, probably, we didn't travel to Kyoto alone, but together with other co-workers.

  
"Well, I..." Aiba-chan said, biting his lower lip. "I promised Sakurai-san I wouldn't talk to you about that man, but if you've remembered him, I guess it's okay?"

  
I stopped brushing the bottom of the pool and looked at him.

  
"What are you talking about?" I asked.

  
Aiba-chan looked at me.

  
"Sakurai-san said it isn't good to force your memories, that it's better if they come back by themselves. Especially, the ones that have to do with people you can't remember," he sincerely answered. "He warned me not to talk to you about the man you saw in your dreams, because you still didn't remember him and it could confuse you."

  
His answer turned out very different from what I expected.

  
If Sho had warned Aiba-chan not to tell me about that man, it was probably for my own good, but I couldn't stop now. I remembered him while I was awake and Aiba-chan confirmed he existed. I had to know who he was. Maybe he was the key to remembering something from those years my mind was blocking.

  
"Who is he, Aiba-chan? Do you know him?"

  
"Well, not exactly. He used to pick you up sometimes, after work, but I never really talked to him. I don't know his name or who he is. I only know you two seemed to be very close."

  
My head was spinning.

  
If he was someone so close to me, Sho should've told me about him. Why did he tell me he didn't know him when it wasn't true? I understood Sho wanted to protect me and allow me to remember things by myself, but it wasn't fair to hide the existence of an important person for me. And where was he now? Why didn't he come to visit me when I was in the hospital? Why didn't he call me?

  
"I'm sorry I can't help you anymore," Aiba-chan apologized. "But it's great you're starting to remember important things, right? Maybe Sakurai-san can help you more than I do. You should ask him."

  
I nodded and forced a smile.

  
Sure I should ask him.


	14. IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

This fanfiction won't be updated anymore.

 

More information here: <https://sutekihanashi.livejournal.com/56129.html>

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wanted to re-write this fic, sooooo... Here it is :)
> 
> I liked the plot and characters of this story, but I wasn't happy with the overall result. Something was missing. I felt some characters' feelings weren't clear enough. So, well, after all this time, I think I finally figured out how to fix it, hehe. Plot and main facts are the same, as well as the characters. Basically, I'm trying to improve narration and add what I feel it's needed to complete the story (or fix the plotholes I found...).
> 
> Oh! Also, Ohno and Sho are the same age here, and Jun is just one year younger.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all like this! :)


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